How To: An Alternative Guide To Getting A Beach Body

We live in a nation that is obsessed with image, and at the forefront of every health campaign we see is the battle with obesity. Many of us complain that its just not fair that some people can eat what they like and maintain a body worthy of compliment and envy, but there is nothing stopping the average Joe stripping back the fat and having a body to be proud of.

1.   The Diarrhoea Diet


This diet is kind of gross, but on the quest for the holy grail of skinniness sometimes these measures need to be taken. The general idea of this diet is simple and it comes down to a few very simple steps.

The first thing you’ll need to change are the foods you eat. Think salad and quinoa are going to help you loose weight think again. The diarrhoea diet calls for curries, spicy fajitas and generally anything that won’t agree with your digestive system. The idea being that you stuff your fat face with all these foods that will ultimately lead to you having terrible diarrhoea with the notion that it will flush the calories straight out of your anus.

It is important to remember at this stage that you will need to drink a large amount of water and carry around a pot of soothing antiseptic cream to remedy the inevitable case of ring sting you’ll encounter, and if you are away from a toilet you can read our handy guide here so you never have to worry again.

It is good to take part in the diarrhoea diet sporadically as prolonged and intense bouts of the squitzies can be hard to endure. Look at it like the 5:2 diet, only your two ‘fasting’ days are now two dedicated to emptying your bowels. As long as more is leaving your body than is entering it you are golden.

  1. The Dad Bod

If you don”t fancy shitting yourself skinny there’s now an opportunity to latch on to a trend that requires zero effort, no fad diets, no potentially life threatening weight loss pills and absolutely no exercise.

Introducing… The Dad Bod, the hottest trend this summer already being sported by the likes of Leonardo Di Caprio.

And look how happy he is.
Just look how happy Leo is with a Dad Bod.

Having a Dad Bod is not being fat, or overweight it is simply having a bit of a tummy.  The look is easy to achieve, drink lots of beer, don’t eat lots of shit food. Simple. However this look has seemed to have split the internet in half, while some love the idea of the Dad bod and what it says about being happy in the skin you’re in, there are others that hate the craze some even going as far as calling the movement sexist.

I am currently sporting a Dad Bod, and I feel fantastic, for the first time I can walk topless along the beach with my tummy out without fear of ridicule. For the first time I can let loose not worry about what effect those 12 beers are going to have on my waistline.

As with any trend it will die out and working out relentlessly at the gym will come around back into fashion and we’ll all be signing up. Get with the trend while you can, let loose and have a bit of fun.

  1. The Sandwich Diet

This is a technique I have tried myself with incredible results. It probably works best if you have an active job and you will need a bit of will power.

The sandwich diets is perfect for those who, like myself, cannot walk away from fresh bread and those who enjoy unhealthy foods but don’t know when to stop eating. Again it is a simple plan that limits how much you’re eating each day without having to give up on flavorsome delights.


To start your daily intake of food will come in the form of three sandwiches, one for breakfast, one for lunch and one for dinner. The beauty of this diet is you can have whatever you want in your breaded beauty, this controls your calories by simply limiting the sheer volume of food you can eat as there is only so much you can get inside of a sandwich before it becomes a hassle. The only real rule you need to stick by is If its not inside your sandwich, then don’t stick it down your fat fucking throat.

No treat days, no extras with your dinner, just three sandwiches a day seven days a week. I genuinely lost four stone this way over the course of 3 1/2 months and that is no BS.

  1. Start Smoking

A great and proven way to slim down is to start smoking.  Look at any smoker who is in the public eye… they are super skinny right. It is no coincidence, for millions of years man has been smoking whatever he can get his hands on in an attempt to drop some pounds to impress the ladies.

Dot Cotton, 40 -a-day and skinny as fuck.
Dot Cotton, 40 -a-day and skinny as fuck.

An added benefit to the 20 a-day diet is that you’ll look cool as fuck doing it, forget what the doctors tell you smoking is the healthiest way to loose weight. They only started telling everyone that smoking  is unhealthy to keep them at the top of the cool-guy hierarchy. Dicks.

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