Everybody has that one neighbour who is a complete asshole, so when Halloween rolls around there is only one thing you want to do. Cover their house in shit. Human shit. However, in this day and age where every household seems to have CCTV, and a host of other security measures, it has become increasingly difficult to vandalise the house of those assholes that live down your street.
Halloween is pretty much the only time of year where it is acceptable for you to approach somebody else’s door uninvited whilst wearing a mask. Naturally this provides the perfect cover for you to plaster their house in your shit. Here’s a few ways you might like to try.
The Ghost Costume Delivery.
It’s Halloween so why not dress as a scary ghoul or ghost? That’s right because you can’t be bothered to make an effort, which is fine. Before face paints and rubber masks people used to wear a full length bed sheet,with two eye holes, draped over themselves. (Please do not confuse this with the highly racist KKK attire)
So, to poop on your neighbours doorstep you should be wearing your ghost costume, however underneath you don’t want to be wearing a god damn thing. Yeah it might be a little cold to expose your already tiny penis to the elements but you have to if you want to shit on this doorstep.
Approach the door you want to violate and ring the buzzer. You now have the 14 seconds that it takes for the occupant to get up and answer the door to start squeezing out your turd.
Now the beauty of the costume is that no one can see your face, so as much it contorts while you squeeze out a log, no one can tell what your up too. Also it allows for you to shit on the spot that you are standing without anybody realising until you walk away, which luckily enough will be the same time that your victim closes the door.
It’s almost the perfect crime
The Catapult.
The catapult is a much less crude technique Although there are a few more things you’ll need to be able to pull it off.
1. Three Man Catapult
Available here and great for use at other times of the year.
2.Two More Friends
These guys are going to be vitally important to use the catapult.
3.A Bag of Shit or Rubber Gloves.
Depending on the amount of carnage you aim to create as a bagged poo may not explode on impact, and there’s no way you’re touching your own shit with bare hands.
Once you have the above, follow the instructions on the catapult and be ready to run.
The Windscreen Wipe
This is such a simple way to smear shit all over your neighbours car, what’s better about this is that you’ll actually make them do the smearing.
It’s late on Halloween, you’re dressed as some generic trick or treaters, as you walk up the drive way to trick or treat swiftly duct tape a small poop to the windscreen wipers on your neighbours car.
No one notices until the next morning, your neighbour gets in their car ready for work. Now as any motorist will know if you get in your car and there is something on the wiper, your instinct makes you hit the switch to turn them on.
Swish swish. Now they’ll have a Shit-smeared windscreen and no one will ever know who did the crime.
Words by Robert Hiscock
