This is a how-to guide for a right handed man.
The humble punch in the face can be delivered in a number of ways. Some satisfying, some necessary and some, more often than not, completely unnecessary. We have short-listed the top ways to deliver an incapacitating blow to the face.
4. Shoelace Uppercut
The Shoelace Uppercut is the perfect move for enclosed spaces. You’re at a party, this guy has been macking on your chick for too long, and you want to show him who her Daddy is (not literally, thats just weird). You’re obviously not just going to march over there and punch his face, no, you’re going to go over there and spark up some friendly conversation. After a minute or so of small talk, you’ll notice your shoelace is undone (you un-did it before you approached him), bend down, count to five, and, like a nuclear fist rocket, explode upwards and out wards catching the target completely unawares.
NB. This technique is so much sweeter if the targets points out your undone shoelace.
3. Nightclub Knock-Out
There is always that one guy in the club that is flinging his arms about like dickhead on drugs. Most people think that he is probably just throwing some sweet shapes while under the influence of some illicit substance. WRONG. He is executing a perfect nightclub knock-out, he has a grudge against someone in the club and he is going to smash them in the face. Disguised as shit dancing, the nightclub knock-out is the oldest trick in the book. Keep your eye on this guy because someone is about to take a smack in the chops.
The element of surprise is your friend here. You have scouted the recipient of your big right hook but instead of going in all guns blazing, you will want try and make peace.
Approach your target, maybe spouting some bullshit about not wanting to get into a fight. Offer your left hand for a manly handshake. As your target reaches out he will be looking at your hand, this is your chance to strike. Fire a massive right hook right at that asshole’s face. They will be completely unaware of your swinging fist. Job done.
1. Overcoat Car-Wreck
Ever put you coat on, and accidentally hit someone in the face? Ever done it on purpose? No? Well, let me tell you how.
Like any cool guy, you will always have your coat slung casually over one shoulder with your index finger acting like a coat hook, through that little strip of material on the inside. You spot your target, you whip your coat from your shoulder and prepare to do battle. You approach him, and maybe at this point you’ll be thinking ‘Should I Lefthand Handshake this guy?’, the answer is no. Very much like taking a penalty, once you have chosen your route of attack DO NOT change your mind.
Your having an awkward conversation in the street now, its slightly overcast and you can feel the spittle of the sky prepare to drown your trendy threads. ‘It looks like it’s about to rain’ you may say to your enemy. First slip you left arm in, very casually. Then, making sure you have your face pointing at 10 o’clock (his face being 12), sling your right arm as fast as you can through the sleeve of your coat. His face will be staring at, what appears to be, a fist shaped car speeding from a dark tunnel.
This strike will be so unexpected and so powerful it will surely render him unconscious. As his limp body settles on the cold, damp pavement, now is your time to produce a clever quip.
Lean over his body, and say, ever so softly ‘Keep your eyes on the road.’
Words by Robert Hiscock