The holy sanctity of the sick day is the ace in every employee’s deck, saving it for when that morning finally comes, when you just cannot be fucked to get out of bed. The only feeling more intense than the fear boiling in your belly as you lift the phone, is the smug satisfaction washing over you as you realize you are free for the day. Whether you pull the wool over your bosses eyes so you can go for a cheeky bender with your friends, or just so you can stay at home in your PJ’s all day scoffing chocolate, here a some helpful tips to make sure you don’t arouse suspicion.
Probably the most important rule of all in this modern age, stay away from social media! If last night you were out tweeting about how you just downed three tequilas and licked a ducks beak, or today you are facebooking about what a gullible prick your stupid meatheaded boss is, your cover is probably going to get blown. We live in an age where it doesn’t take a private detective to easily discredit your sudden case of hangoveritis.
The more disgusting your illness, the more believable and less likely you are to be quizzed on it. Vomit still makes people skeptical though, go straight for the shit if you want a believable gross out. If you’re on the phone describing the pooey Mount Vesuvius erupting from your rear, your boss will want to accept your story and get off the phone as soon as possible. For real authenticity you can even play sound effects in the background and pretend you are making the call from atop the throne your boss now believes you will be spending most of the day on.
Religion could be a bunch of poppycock, or it could be the one thing that allows you to live forever. Either way due to a beautiful little piece of legislation known as the equality act your boss has to recognize your beliefs no matter what. Now there are a couple ways for a devious man to bend this to his will, you can of course adopt the faith that has the most religious holidays which for your information is Hinduism, you’re welcome. You could invent your own religion and take days off at will, or finally you could pick one of the whack job religions and do whatever you like because secretly they’ll just be glad you’re gone and therefore less likely to go all columbine in the office (looking at you here Scientology).
If you don’t have the descriptive prowess to describe your disgusting diarrhea, you can fall back on our other fail proof sickie excuse which is just to be as obscure as possible. The rarer the disease the better, tell them you’ve come down with lupus, or better yet Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome. Just remember, the harder it is to pronounce your obscure illness, the harder it will be for your boss to google it.
Words by Matt Miles