It has been over two years since we last ripped into a shitty album, perhaps we were shielding ourselves from a flood of bollocks ruining our love of music. Some say that no album could have been quite as bad as Bruce Willis’ ‘Return of Bruno’ and that is why we haven’t dipped into the worst archive of music known to man. Well neither of those reason are true, the real reason is because we couldn’t be fucking bothered to wade through a 45 minute shit storm just to tell you how diabolical an album can be.
Buckle up boys and girls because we have gritted our teeth and waxed our buttholes (completely unrelated) to sit through part VI of the Shitty Album series – ‘Playing With Fire’ by Kevin Federline
“I am a pirate on the seas, call me Captain Hook. Every thing belong to me, every cranny and nook” a truly inspiring opening line from a totally mentally devoid fuckhead, this is in fact a whole extra level deeper in shit than I thought ever possible of this album and at this point I’m 11 seconds in.
Thankfully this track turns the corner and ends with a distinctly white attempt at trying to be black. I would have loved to have been a part of the conversation where-by Kevin turned to his producer and said ‘You know what will be a good idea daaawg, we should end this track with some reggae vibes’ Fuck. You. Kevin. Federline.
Naturally the assholicness continues in a rather mundane fashion until K-Feds open up with the romantically charged line ‘All these model chicks wanna do me”. I guess what he meant by that was I haven’t fucked anyone since Britney and she only went through with it cause she was in the middle of having a mental breakdown.
Away from the music (which I can no longer bear to listen to because it is the most pathetic attempt at a hip-hop album from a white guy since Riff Raff) literally everything about this record stinks of miserable inadequacy. The album cover is a self-absorbed display of insufficient dick length from the burning drink to his loosely tied tie trying to look like some hard-working hustler. You should never have been allowed near a recording studio Kevin you stale bag of dog shit.
If you manage to sit through that whole album, give yourself a pat on the back and shove your own dick up your ass cause you are obviously some kind of messed up masochistic fuck. Let this haggard-ass piece of writing re-affirm the fact that this Shitty Album feature makes me so fucking angry that I will not want add to it for another two years.