Freshly back from London after protesting the repeal of the fox hunting ban, Yack reporters were informed by Brian May no less that the vote on the fox hunting bill had been cancelled due to the yellow bellied Tories being scared off by an SNP intervention. No longer confident of a victory the vote has been postponed, but we still had a little boogie with the bongos and the chants of protest, because fuck hunting foxes. They’re pretty cool.
After contemplating the possibility of this brutal and barbaric bloodsport being brought back to legality in this country, we got to thinking about some of the other twisted and stupid shit people used to do that would be far more entertaining in the modern world and way less cruel to poor defenceless foxes.
If the last election taught us nothing else it is that voting in the current paradigm is fairly pointless. We need major electoral reform and what better system could there be than one where the potential prime ministers fight to the death. As the intangible “they” are so quick to constantly remind us, we are living in a time of austerity. Perhaps instead of spending money on election campaigns they could earn that money by charging us to attend the spectacle of a finale, I for one would have paid good money to see Farage, Milliband and Cameron in a hardcore cage match, and respected the outcome far more.
#2 Old School Medicine
The NHS is dying, apparently. So it’s time we seriously considered ways to combat this horrible drain on our tax paying money. We -could- privatise it you know, it’s working pretty good for America, if you want your healthcare system to be entirely geared around capital gain. We would like to propose an alternative however, because we like the fact that if we get sick we have free access to healthcare, but perhaps people are a little too quick to head down their GP or to A&E. We need to put the fear back in them. If you’re complaining about pins & needles in your leg to your GP and his suggested course of action is to cut that shit off, or if you have a headache and the cure is putting leeches up your butt, I think you’ll find the amount of people wasting the NHS’ time will drop dramatically.
#3 Child Labour
Immigrants. Eh? Yeah. Something about them taking our jobs right? Well perhaps if we forced our children to do those jobs, then we can safely close our borders and never worry about ever interacting with the rest of the world ever again. Plus kids are lazy as fuck, someone needs to do something to get those bastards out of the house and off of the Xbox. So put those chubby, clumsy little fingers to work. Yeah they might struggle at first, yeah there might be a few deaths but hey, who wouldn’t want to be the foreman of a building site kindergarten? Because Mum & Dad have to work and they arn’t earning enough for childcare so…
I know, it seems like a pretty douchey suggestion but hear us out. We don’t mean old style slavery, we have to modernize it obviously. It’s time for the Royal Family to work for us again, the lazy bums just swan around making out with corgies and eating swans and the like, but how about they travel from house to house doing our cleaning, cooking and upkeep for a week? I’d love to wake up to Prince Charles bringing me my toast in the morning. It would help the Royal’s connect with their denizens again and make for a happier country for us all I think.
#5 Three Day Work Week
Remember before the war when we didn’t work more days than we had off? No? Well we did. The five day work week was something that the women and few men who didn’t get shipped overseas had to do to help the war effort. It was neccersary and well done them. When the war was won however this wasn’t something we were willing to lose. Because… money. So the five day work week was kept in place. Perhaps we could go back to that ancient english tradition of letting people actually live their lives and upping the wage or perhaps introducing a Citizens Wage to support this practice. It would generate more jobs and a fluid and flexible workforce… but no that does seem a little too barbaric actually.
Seriously though, just because the vote has been cancelled the war isn’t won. Fox hunting is a ridiculous and horrible bloodsport and we need to keep the pressure on the dumbies in government that think they can sneak this kind of shit past us. Get involved in any way you can, make sure they know this crap aint acceptable.
Words by Matt Miles