A Mens Guide To Toilet Etiquette

Nobody really likes to poo in public toilets, or pubs or clubs or anywhere that isn’t your own home, but sometimes it is a necessary evil that you just have to deal with. That being said there are some very important points of etiquette to be observed for a pleasant experience in the Gents.

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No eye contact

Number one most important thing to remember is that under no circumstances should you ever make eye constant with any of your fellow toilet goers. It is awkward, distracting and can send the wrong signals. You don’t want people thinking that you are a cottager do you? Just keep your head down, do your business and get out.

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No talking in the queue

If there is a queue for the cubical do not talk to any one queuing, again it sends the wrong signals and any small talk is bound to be weird. If somebody talks to you it is perfectly acceptable to be blunt and rude in your response. There is no excuse for queue talk it is a damn outrage.

If you shit doesn’t flush always leave a neat square of paper over the top.

We’ve all been there, taken a shit and not all of it has decided to flush, perhaps the flush is too weak or you shit is just too big whatever the reason there is no reasonable explanation to leave the cubicle in this mess. Always fold 3,4 or 5 sheets of toilet paper and place it gently on the top of the water level, and shut the seat lid. This not only hides any disgusting mess you have left but it gives the next user an indication that the flush in that particular cubicle may not be up to scratch.

Avoid loud farts at all costs.

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There is nothing worse than taking a relaxing dump, then some inconsiderate bastard in the next stall goes a lets ripper out. Just don’t do it, it is disgusting and there are ways around it. You then spend the rest of your crap worrying whether other people in the toilet thought it was you and what they are going to think when you leave your toilet. Keep it quiet, keep it polite after all you are in the ‘Gents’ and these are not the actions a true gent would perform.

Always warn the next person about the smell they will encounter. Even if it doesn’t smell. 

It is only polite to give the next user a heads up about what you just did in there, it is just a courteous statement and is the only acceptable communication in the toilets. When giving out your warning always indicated which stall you were in but do not look back, a simple pointing thumb over the shoulder, followed by ‘Geez I would give that 5 minutes if i were you’ will suffice.

Always warn the next person about the toilet roll situation before they go in.

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This simple piece of etiquette can be rolled into the above but only used if absolutely necessary. Being in a public toilet with a shitty ass and no toilet paper is a nightmare situation, you wouldn’t want it to happen to you so why let it happen to others?

Always wipe the seat after your done, even if there’s not piss or shit on there, nobody like seeing ass hairs when they sit down to take a poop.

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A vital action that will separate you from other more ignorant toilet users is a modest post-poop seat wipe. It comes down to a matter of manners. Men have hairy, sweaty asses that is a given, so don’t leave your butt juices all over the seat, it’s just rude. It takes two seconds to have a quick whip around on the seat and the next user will surely think what great personal hygiene standards you have.

There you have it, the essentials of toilet etiquette for men. If you feel like we have missed anything please start a debate in the comments below.

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