I literally do not give a shit about what you think about bottled water. Some say it is just over priced tap-water, that it is a pretentious status symbol of the rich and well to do. Fuck you. Bottled water is nothing more than an appreciation of quality hydration, something that you would have to agree is fairly vital for every day living. The most hated of all bottled water is Voss. That isn’t a surprise considering it’s high cost, arresting cylindrical packaging and status among the elite, however until you have tasted, and truly appreciated its Scandinavian delight you should not judge the glass bottle of joy.
I first came across Voss many years ago on a trip to London, I was thirsty and was seeking a bottle of water, and then like an oasis in the distance I noticed a clean, cool sparkle. I investigated further to find a row of bottled water, icy condensation dripping down their bodies, I could tell this water was special. £10 worse off and 375ml of artesian water later, I was refreshed and I never once regretted that day.
Things seemed okay for a while until I was faced by a memorable glimmer during a trip to my local Tesco Express. It dawned on me that I had forgotten Voss’ Norwegian glory, how could I? I instantly self-served myself 2 bottles, went home and got into bed. I hydrated all night and by-god it was good. I was staggered by the smooth fluidity with which the water slipped down my throat without that weird metallic taste you get from lesser bottled water. I was hooked.
Upon the realization that Voss was so readily available I could not help myself but to buy more. Prices had dropped dramatically since that trip to London, and now I didn’t need to travel to the capital to buy a bottle. At first I felt guilty for abandoning tap water, like I had forgotten my roots but I simply did not care. My Voss consumption spiralled out of control, I was making excuses as to why I was only drinking Voss. ‘Oh, it is just a marvellous hangover cure’, ‘Sometimes I like to treat myself.’ But the lies didn’t wash, and the constant ridicule I faced from friends and family caused me to re-think my actions.
Re-think I did, however nothing changed I could not bring myself to break-up with the one that I loved, Voss. It wasn’t until I realized I had started hiding my Voss usage that I began to belive I was crazy. I would leave parties early to go and drink Voss alone, I would simply isolate myself to have another mouthful of that naturally filtered splendour, it was then I knew I had to stop.
I came up with a plan to ween myself off Voss by replacing one bottle a day with Evian (or similar bottled water), then two bottles a day and so on. Slowly but surely I was managing to drink tap water again without feeling like a peasant. (I felt dirty, but not like peasant dirty.) I will always remember voss fondly as a 375ml taste of a better time in my life. Thank you Voss, thank you for the memories.