The hype for this election has been building into a frenzy… well more of an inevitable fizzle really but the showdown tomorrow is at least sure to be a little more interesting than that let down of a MayPac match. The radical in us has become quite taken with the almost anarchistic reform outlined in the Green party’s manifesto, so with that said and our allegiance quite dutifully outlined we’re going to cover precisely why the other parties and people involved with them are shit. So read on if you want to know why you shouldn’t vote for every other party and why you should be voting Green, and if you still want to vote for someone else after that… you’re wrong.
Millibrand & Labour
We would like to start this section by quickly making a statement directly to Russell Brand, “Fuck you Russell Brand. Whilst you’ve clearly taken time off from spreading women’s legs and lines of coke to instead spread the pages of a book, and we completely endorse your attempt at pseudo spirituality and intellectualism we are frankly disgusted by your recent Labour endorsement you complete and utter ninny. We liked you better when you didn’t vote, it seems you’ve moved from porn idol to pawn idol and you’re dragging impressionable young voters along with you. By telling people to tactically vote for Labour (unless you’re in Brighton) you are backing the broken system you apparently rally against. If any of the pre election stats are to be believed this election will be just as much of fuck up as the last, there will be no majority. Given four more years of a coalition government even the Tories will have to back political reform, the first past the post system is dead, and we will be the first to happily dance upon it’s grave. In fact bring on a Tory/UKIP coalition, the rioting and chaos wrought would bring your “revolution” on sooner than you can say antidisestablishmentarianism. What kind of half arsed revolution starts with tactical voting anyway?”
Now on to Labour, whilst once a party that stood for something, namely the proletariat masses. The once passionately red are now dimmed to a pathetic shade of pink. The #Milibae movement can fight as hard as they like but Miliband is an awfully awkward proposition and fairly far from what we envision as a leader. At the end of the day it’s hard to view Labour as anything other than “slightly better than the Tories”.
David Cameron and the Tory Wankers
The conservatives have somehow managed to in this time of economic crisis sell the idea to the media and the more gullible public that they are somehow the most fiscally responsible party. The figures largely disagree and their particular brand of austerity is sure to read “business as usual”. Under the current ConDemned (see what we did there?) it has been reported that George Osborne has borrowed more in 3 years than Labour did in 13 years which is an embarrassing statistic that they are keen to sweep under the rug.
Cameron’s campaign has been extremely underhanded. After he promised not to he has sold out his Liberal Democrat confederates by lampooning their party and trying to shift blame and accusation for his own failings on to them, what an absolute weasel. He has also deliberately misled the public by consistently villainising a SNP/Labour coalition, something that Milliband has emphatically denied is even a possibility, which whilst the word of a politician is about as good as a barb wired dildo, is a denial none the less. Most infuriatingly of all however is his blunt and childish refusal to answer the simple question which is “what will you do without a majorty vote?”, because let’s be honest Cameron you chubby faced twat, you arn’t going to get one.
If you need any more convincing an argument not to vote Tory then you could do worse than reading this, it’s one of our personal favourites: http://www.dontbeafuckingidiot.uk/
Nigel Farage might as well be a NASCAR driver, he appeals to much the same demographic and his sponsorship is just as garishly emblazoned on his sleazy little vehicle. We will ignore their obvious and pig headed attitude towards immigration and instead focus on the fact that whilst the wishy washy commitment to sustainable energy pledged by the other parties is no paradise, UKIP actively deny climate change. They want to completely scrap any subsidies towards environmental schemes and instead revert completely to a reliance on fossil fuel. So if you believe so ardently in keeping fellow humans out of this country you’re willing to watch the entire planet die… vote UKIP, you rascist moron.
The man himself is basically a “Working Class Barbie” doll complete with attachable pint hand and authentic smoking accessories. Nigel Farage clearly gives not a single fuck about the every man instead backing big business, oil, tobacco and alchohol. Basically everything and everyone that preys on and targets the wallets of the overworked and underpaid.
Whilst once again the Liberal Democrat manifesto is the righteous left that Labour used to be, we just cannot in good conscience bring ourselves to vote for them. Not after last time, the wounds are still too fresh. After a whirlwind romance that seemed too good to be true, it turned out it was and we were left mouth ajar at the bedroom door watching our Nick slimy with sweat and clumsily bumping uglies with the Conservatives. Oh god Nick why? Why did you do this to us?
The Green Party
Legal drugs and prostitution? Yes please says the party boy in us. Sustainable energy and a responsible attitude towards farming and economics? Yes please says the aging family man in us. A living wage supporting the growing movement towards choosing your own hours and self employment? Yes please says the budding entrepreneur in us.
The Green party has a manifesto that is so alien when compared to the rest of the parties in this election that we cannot help but be caught in its bewildering and mesmerising spell. Whilst we could easily write an article entirely on precisely what has appealed to us about it, we will instead encourage you to go and have a flick through it yourselves before you hit the polling booths tomorrow.
Check out the Green manifesto here, all posturing and bravado aside, we humbly believe in what they stand for: https://www.greenparty.org.uk/we-stand-for/2015-manifesto.html
As always we respect your opinion and champion your right to troll/disagree with us, leave a comment with who you’ll be voting for and why.
Illustration by Jasons Haggard Faces
Word by Matt Miles