We at Yack! like to treat our readership as semi retarded, bed bound shut ins with no other form of window into the wider world than our bile filled little blog. In keeping with that sentiment we have crafted a brief little summary of this year’s GRAMMY Awards so you all have an idea of precisely what you missed (not a lot). So read on to familiarize yourself with all the bitching, antics, dressing up, sarcasm, pomp and of course circumstance that came along with the music industries most antiquated and out of touch awards show.
Yeezus: The Second Coming
If the tenuous news feed drip keeping you linked into the real world through your social media platforms has managed to keep its flowery white virginity in resistance of the viral nature of Kanye West’s douchebaggery then we envy you. No doubt hoping to recreate the fervor and buzz he did when he interrupted Taylor Swift at the VMA’s all those years ago, Kanye took to the stage in an effort to steal the limelight and prestige this time from that affable weirdo Beck. Being the self-referential tool that he is Kanye didn’t even bother with a verbal interruption this time, instead merely appearing on the stage, holding up his hand and then slinking back into the slime that berthed him. In after award comments Kanye once again voiced the opinion that the prize had been robbed from Beyonce, claiming that “Beck needs to respect artistry and he should’ve given his award to Beyonce” clearly oblivious to the fact Beck can play over 11 instruments and writes all his own music whilst Beyonce struggles to put out listenable drivel with four or five paid songwriters helping her.
Beck on the other hand took the incident entirely in his stride, beckoning Kanye to the mic during the invasion and commenting after that “I was just so excited he was coming up. He deserves to be on stage as much as anybody. How many great records has he put out in the last five years right? I still love him and think he’s genius. I aspire to do what he does.” For a brief period it was believable that Yeezus was simply making a throwback joke and the possibility that anyone could honestly think Beyonce deserved the award over Beck was preposterous, but no… fucking Kanye did… when you come off infinitely less likable than a noted scientologist, you’re doing something majorly wrong.
Brent Hinds Getting Kicked Out
Mastodon were nominated for Best Metal Performance this year and did their utter best to ensure no one made the mistake of thinking they were taking it seriously. Brent Hinds turned up in full Los Angeles Dodgers uniform whilst Brann Dailor attended the ceremony in nothing but his birthday suit (a balloon print suit you dirty minded lot). They gave a glib interview before entering the ceremony itself where reportedly Brent Hinds dumped out a bag filled with dirty laundry and contraband (marijuana). He was subsequently asked to pick it up, a request he declined which was met with the response “Sir you have to leave.” “Why” “Because you don’t know how to behave!”. Hardly the most rock and roll exit ever, but owing to Hinds noted micheavious/obnoxious/awesome behaviour in the past it was likely not a deliberate protest, rather just Hinds getting bored.
In other Mastodon related news, Brent Hinds has also just confirmed a side project supergroup with Tool drummer Danny Carey and OFF! axeman Demitri Coats. The news comes as a salve to those anxiously waiting still for the long overdue new Tool album, as well as to those Mastodon fans missing a hit of that sweet nautically themed sound made famous by the Leviathan album. Brent Hinds has also reportedly been cast to play Ryan Dunn in a biopic going by the name of I Needed Time To Stay Useless, which will no doubt be a very serious and reverent take on the man’s beautiful if tragically short career.
Prince attended the awards to present the aforementioned Album Of The Year award. He summed up our entire attitude to the ceremony with one simple condescending sneer. We will be practicing this face in the mirror daily trying to emulate and perfect it’s deployment. It is truly the best response to almost any question ever, at least that is if you want to instantly shame the inquisitive bastard that even deigned to waste their breath on such a proposition:
“Did you watch the Grammy’s this year?” *Prince Face*
“Who do you think is better, Beck or Beyonce?” *Prince Face*
“Do you think Kanye is a genius or just an asshole?” *Prince Face*
Sam Smith (the kind of music only a mother could love) was successfully sued for plagiarism and copyright by Tom Petty (another firm mum favorite) this year, due to his song Won’t Back Down being remarkably similar to Stand With Me by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (or a variation of that arrangement). Syllabically and melodically the two songs in question undoubtedly match up so the fact Sam Smith still managed to pick up four Grammy wins is a crime akin to Elvis Presley cleaning up at the MOBO’s (it’s not, it’s absolutely not but we’re given to flights of exaggeration). We still think it’s a little Petty of Tom to have pursued it through the courts though (see what we did there? Classic Yack! hilarity).
Josh Duhamel Tripped Up The Stairs
This guy used to be a model, he was paid to walk in a straight line, guess they don’t have many stairs on the catwalks though, things got complex quick didn’t they? What a dickhead.
Words by Matt Miles