Well it’s that time of year again folks and we are quickly running out of time before the big day itself. Whilst that fat bastard Santa does his best to check off all the prezzies on your Christmas lists, the burden of buying gifts for your friends and loved ones still falls upon our own overburdened wallets. So we’re here to give you all a couple of cheeky little pointers, because if you have to buy everyone a goddamn present, why not make it one that is just a little bit selfish.
Christmas Gift Idea Number 1: Super Subtle Hygiene Improvement
We all have that one smelly friend who could just use a little nudge in the direction of the bath from time to time. What better time of year to suggest they update their weekly washing routine than on the happiest most merry day in existence? Yes Christmas comes but once a year but showers should be a daily kind of deal, so buy them a big box of smellies, fuck it buy them two, maybe even buy them seven individual body washes and label them with the day of the week they should be used on and really drive the message home. Variations on the idea are available too, bad breath? Buy them a toothbrush. Do they always smell of dried semen? A pack of condoms and a posh wank guide. The possibilities are endless.
Christmas Gift Idea Number 2: Make Them More Aesthetically Appealing
Do you have a friend you are embarrassed to be seen with? Dirty, horrible, patchy beard? Buy that hippy a razor. No dress sense? Buy them some clothes you would wear, or better yet keep the new clothes for yourself and give that style-less loser your hand me downs. Christmas is also an incredible time to play dress up with your other half, because when they open that present up and it’s a super sexy Sarah Palin outfit they are OBLIGATED to try it on.
Christmas Gift Number 3: Buy Something That You Want
When you inevitably both open up your presents and your faces light up with tepid underwhelment simply suggest a swap. This however essentially turns the holiday into enforced consumerism though… which if I remember rightly isn’t the official Christmas message. Yack will also not be held accountable if you decide to treat yourself to a jet plane but you’re dickhead friend doesn’t agree to trade presents.
Christmas Gift Number 4: It’s The Thought That Counts
With that important precept firmly in mind. Sit down at your table, and write down the first thought that comes into your mind when you think of the person you’re meant to be giving the gift too. Wrap up that thought lovingly and present them with it, if they don’t appreciate it, call them a grinch or a scrooge and tell them they’re ruining your festive cheer. You are invulnerable to complaint, because if they do complain, they’re massive greedy douchebags.
Christmas Gift Number 5: A Calendar For The Coming Year Starring You
If you want to give a gift that will really make the recipient tingle with appreciation and think on you fondly every day of the year, you should buy them a personalized calender. For the gift to really work it needs to be a yearly custom and if you ever go round their house and it’s not hung up in pride of place in whichever room is the best room to put a calendar in (is it the kitchen? or only in the kitchen if you -don’t- have an office?) you can immediately start crying and making a scene until it takes it’s rightful place. When making a calender it is important to pick a theme and stick to it, this year’s Yack Calendar for example will be sexy anthropomorphic nudes based on each month’s most prevalent critter.
Hope that helps you all out, now I’m going to go and wank into a mince pie and leave it out to really fester in time for that prick tease Santa to show up.
Words by Matt Miles