Hey and welcome to what’s hopefully going to be your resident influx of wrestling nonsense. I’m going to look at reviewing the latest WWE Monday Night Raw each week, encompassed with some of my ramblings about some of the main players in the game today.
So this weeks Raw was always going to be a poor one, as tradition goes straight after a European tour the crowd is always sedated. This certainly wasn’t helped by WWE’s constant advertising of slack jawed stupidity and this week was the turn of… Grumpy Cat… No seriously it actually was the Grumpy Cat. Admittedly the depressive feline has better mic skills than Ryback but this is still up there with the Pee Wee Herman of pointless guests. Maybe they could have played it a lot differently than the crappy PG stuff we usually have to put up with? Like making grumpy cat have a match with Hornswoggle or something.
I digress, on to actual wrestling matters. RAW starts off with the usual Authority coming down to the ring (kind of getting tedious at this point) to discuss the Survivor Series stipulations, before being Interrupted by Ryback who is painting the “I’m as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market” face, and proclaiming that he’s on “Team Ryback”. #TeamRyback #TwitterIsSoHip
Done with the cheesey soap opera and advertising next up is an actual match where people wrestle.
First up is a match for the Intercontinental Championship between Luke Harper and the forever under utilised Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler is beaten up before the match even gets underway and then fairly obviously Harper clotheslines Ziggler to win the title.
Following that match we get another incredible promo from Grumpy Cat promoting the network that we still cant get. #FuckTheWWENetwork
We cut back to Mizdow and Miz giving lines to Grumpy Cat (why am I having to write this) it’s a heroic segment of TV.
Next up is Adam Rose vs. Tyson Kidd, and the next installment in the continual push to make Rose a heel after his previous gimmick wore off after one trip down the entrance ramp, the writers are having him constantly losing match after match due to a giant bunny rabbit flirting with Natalya at ringside. Honestly re-read the last few sentences and you’ll seriously wonder where WWE is going with all this. Kidd gets the win and the bunny plays around while Rose tries to flatten him. Looks like we are gearing up for a main event Wrestlemania bout between these two hotly tipped contenders…
Back from the adverts and here’s Bray Wyatt cutting a promo better than anyone else is currently capable of, WWE has done the right thing separating him from the rest of the Wyatt’s, he’s got potential to be pretty huge if they handle it well. Dean Ambrose interrupts with a taped promo of his own, only to say that in fact he’s in the audience, he runs out and starts attacking Wyatt who escapes as Ambrose stands tall.
The next match up is Ryback vs. Cesaro, not a good match, which is a shame as Cesaro is a fantastic wrestler but Ryback stay’s boringly true to form as a cheap knock-off Goldberg. Ryback gets the win, which was to be expected due to the fact that Ryback‘s in a big storyline and Cesaro is sitting pretty in the mid tier.
I’m sat here trying to work out why the likes of Ziggler and Cesaro aren’t being pushed at the moment; especially with the fact the WWE has lost two impeccable talents in CM Punk and Daniel Bryan in the last year. These two have the potential to be main players but it seems to method is still to hold on to Cena despite his ageing years. There’s going to come a time pretty soon that they need to make some big changes.
Rusev vs. Heath Slater, honestly what was the point in this ten second match. I can’t even be bothered to go in to it in any detail.
Next match up is Big Show vs. Sheamus, starts off with Stephanie “Look at my tits” McMahon saying how it would be awful if Sheamus couldn’t make Survivor Series because of a Visa, she clearly has an awful lot of power. She and HHH must have some frightening sex. I imagine it would be like two Honey Badgers going at it. It’s a good thing HHH isn’t the woman as his entrance spitting out routine would be a horrendous thought to hold in my mind…
On to the actual match and it’s a DQ, Rusev attacks Sheamus and begins to unload on him (filthy minds). Sheamus then gets put through a table by Sexual Chocolate and Rusev puts the accolade on Big Show.
Nikki Bella vs. AJ Lee, Brie comes out dressed exactly like AJ which made countless teenage boys across the universe uncomfortably erect in their lounges probably sharing a bowl of chips with an equally awkward dad or uncle.The usual CM Punk chants go round the arena at the start the match. It’s an awful match up, mainly because Nikki Bella is only there because she’s banging the chap in the fluorescent tops. AJ wins the match and Nikki goes after Brie, AJ then kicks the crap out of both of the mindless idiots much to the worlds delight.
We go backstage to more frightful insightfulness from the Grumpy Cat, before it is then announced that Sheamus has been injured after the assault from Mark Henry and wont be in Team Cena for Survivor Series.
Cena comes out on his own, he does the John Cena school of motivational speech course on Stephanie, and declares Team Authority will lose on Sunday. Cena cuts a promo and talks about using 4 random fans from the crowd to win before Stephanie at long last slaps Cena right in the chops. At this point it looks like we’ve got ourselves a good ol’ fashion ho down!
This is where Raw for the first time this evening gets really good. Dolph Ziggler’s music hits and out he sprints down to the ring. Big Show is the next one out. Erick Rowan is is infuriated by Harper‘s presence in the ring. Stephanie says Cena still needs another guy or he cant compete. Cesaro’s music hits and the crowd goes a bit mad, they’ve all woken up from their slumber at this point.
Just when it all looks set, Cesaro drops a right dirty little poop bomb on Cena and jumps over to The Authority. They all have a good laugh at Cena’s square face and then Ryback‘s music hits and it sparks a brawl. The ring is cleared and HHH tries to pedigree Cena but Ryback interrupts and Cena puts HHH through a table.
It’s all set for Survivor Series where it looks more than likely Ryback will do the dirty on Cena.
Words by Jim B @JimBWWE