Gig Review: Satellites

Yack disclaimer: all music is subjective. Upon inspection we do however agree with our intrepid reporter that this particular example firmly falls into the camp of aural rape. Draw your own conclusions.

This review was written over three different gigs…… I couldn’t stand to stay till the end of their set each time

Another fucking post hardcore band. Two vocalists, and 1 guitarist. This set up doesn’t seem to make that much sense to me, but if you want to sound like a broken toy then I s’pose you’re going in the right direction. I should probably say that this particular band is called Satellites and it’s quite possibly their first gig. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen a band use a click track and still be horribly out of time. The bassist looks like he’s about to have a shit… either that or he already has and he’s trying to stop it touching his supple hairless cheeks. But let’s not single out the bassist, they all look equally ridiculous.

“Right everyone, elbows out, stretch those skinny jeans and jump around like a toddler on crack!”- is what appears to be the marching chant for this band. Don’t get me wrong, a band should have energy on stage… maybe not the energy of a P.C.P fueled staff, but some energy is important. By all means fellas, jump around like apes on fire, but do it next to a sudden drop or a road or a wood chipper.

I digress. Back to the vocalists. One with a cap forward and one with it on backwards in case they forget which one is which I presume; they both appear to be doing exactly the same thing and neither of them are particularly good at it. It seems that since Slipknot there has been band after band of irritating attempts at screams and drop tuned open guitar riffs. I personally like Slipknot but they have a lot to answer for here. It seems everyone wants to get an arm full of tattoos, tunnels and gargle gravel and bleach in the attempt of attaining that vomiting up a satanic brass band effect.

At this point in the review it may seem as though I’m needlessly attacking a band of toddlers. The truth is that on paper they just seem like any other band. The other truth is that they aren’t any good, a single redeemable trait eludes me. Whilst I cannot single out the single thing that defines them as shit in amongst the cacophony of odious noise, the orchestra of disarray itself as a heinous whole is what offends me. Whilst it may seem that I’m just attacking their live show, I made the mistake of listening to a recording of this band and came to the very same conclusion, so that’s scientifically proven in my mind.

In a way I love them because I haven’t been this inspired to write like this in a long time… I hate them because now I want to join Walt Disney in cryo-stasis until this bout of disgusting music is done.

A quick piece advice for anyone looking to be in a “post hardcore” band: You probably aren’t good. Stop it… now… please. Before I have to see another bad decision for a tattoo on a leg with no socks.

Words by Jimmy Olsen

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