By now we are sure you’ve all had your various newsfeeds flooded with the darkly humorous image of Brian Harvey trying to obtain access to 10 Downing Street. Whilst we are right there with you lol’ing and rofl’ing and this bizzarre and curious incident, our sixth sense for a juicy story has also pricked up, and here at Yack! we never ignore that tingling sensation. Choosing to ignore the obviously more popular and fun filled activity of pointing and laughing at what other media outlets are painting as yet another celebrity breakdown, we are instead dedicated to getting to the bottom of the most interesting question in this strange occurrence. What precisely was in Brian Harvey’s “evidence” filled ringbinder?
Possibility Number 1 – All Of The Drugs
For this scenario to play out, you first have to understand that after the flame of his fleeting fame as a “popstar” slowly petered out, Harvey needed a new and equally engaging career to fill his freetime with. This is when he was first approached by the MI5, using his childlike innocence and infallibly believable bumbling persona as the perfect cover he has become the go to man for drug stings and various other high profile busts. His mission, were he to choose to accept it was to infiltrate 10 Downing Street and get the party started. When asked ‘was he cool’ to party with by the PM and his flunkies, who are notoriously cagey about who they share their cocaine fueled Downing Street orgies with for fear of a leak, Harvey would look ol’ Cameron square in the eye and sing ‘It’s alright, everything is going to be alright’ and that Yack fans is when shit would get real. All the time a well concealed, fully sized video camera would be hidden in his signature oversized beanie.
Possibility Number 2 – His Curriculum Vitae
Brian Harvey dissatisfied with the way the country is being run has decided to do something about it. Knowing that he is not fully qualified or respected widely enough (a crying shame) to take on the mantle of Prime Minister himself, he has set his sights on the job of ‘new Clegg’. Inside the ringbinder alongside his CV and the glowing references of his ex-bandmates East 17 are a set of artfully staged and very alluring photos of Harvey on all fours, dressed in nothing but suspenders and stockings ready to receive the Prime Ministers glorious whim.
Possibility Number 3 – A Dossier On The Evils Of Jacket Potatoes
We are all throwing our hands in the air, pointing fingers seemingly at random trying to find the culprit causing the seemingly endless misery, injustice and inequality rife in the world we live in. Is it the lizard people? The illuminati? Organised religion? Big business? A curious and highly erotic mix of all of the above? Who knows? Brian Harvey does, that’s who. Jacket Potatoes are too blame. He stumbled across this startling and troubling discovery in 2005 and Jacket Potatoes instantly tried to have him silenced by forcing him under the wheel of his own car in what would appear to be a tragic accident, but Harvey was too resilient for them. They thought they had scared him off the scent and allowed him to continue under the buttery aroma of their ever looming shadow. He has however managed to compile a dossier on the manipulations and the evil committed by the nefarious Jacket Potato cartel.
Possibility Number 4 – The Meaning Of Life
Since he has had time to slink away from the invasive gaze of the public eye and the various media fast food takeaways supplying them, Harvey has entered into a life of reclusive meditation and isolation. He has pondered the mysteries of the universe and the miseries of existence. His karma and energy focused he has become enlightened. He was to enter 10 Downing Street with the benevolent intention of spreading the message to those most intent of stifling and suffocating the soul of it. We at Yack are unsure what the meaning of life he has stumbled upon in his various journey’s through Nirvana, but we hypothesize that the ringbinder was filled with the scribbling, scrawling notes he made on that epic trek. Also just in case, a Jesus disguise had he felt the need to relay the truth from a form more accepted in the western world, because an empty pointy topped beanie and baggy pants with your boxers poking out the top just doesn’t scream peace and enlightenment like an impressive beard and beautiful flowing hair does.
Possibility Number 5 – A Portal Into Another Dimension
What you didn’t know is that that is no ordinary ringbinder, is is in fact an active portal to Narnia or someother untrademarked equivalent. After gleefully making the discovery and spending what seemed like years establishing himself as court jester at the White Palace he returned to the real world only a day later. He immediately dressed himself in the attire that once seemed so appropriate but now felt ridiculous and stupidly oversized for him and dashed to 10 Downing Street post haste to share with the Prime Minister a return to childhood innocence and amazement, something he felt this depressing country was in sore need of.
So Yack readers? Do you have any theories of your own as to what brought Brian Harvey to Downing Street the other day? Feel free to voice them in the poll above or the comment section below.
Words by Matt Miles
Pictures by Jason Bowles
(P.S. if his latest release ‘Invisible’ is anything to go by, it is most likely that what was in Harvey’s ringbinder was in fact what he believes to be an exhaustive stack of evidence relating to the paedophile ring running rife through the upper echelons of society unchecked. That being the case however is entirely not funny and something we will choose only to add as a footnote, we do however believe that if that is the case David Cameron should bloody well hear the crazy bastard out.)