Other media outlets may try to distract you with fear mongering and mixed messages about the Ebola outbreak within the western world, but we won’t. We also understand that Africa being so far away and so very poor that their genuine problem doesn’t bother you all too much. We do with regret have access to some new information though and this troubling evidence looks poised to threaten both the west and the… rest equally. Hold onto your panties reader, because there is a viper epidemic and we are all at risk of being bit!
Yes viper attacks have increased dramatically in the past month and it seems nowhere is safe. We’ve had reports from all over the globe with shocking video footage, it seems these attacks happen when you least expect it, seemingly out of nowhere. So our advice to you Yack reader is this: be ever vigilant! If you do have to leave the house, and let us be clear we do not recommend that at all, but if you do have to leave for some reason, expect an RKO, expect it and constantly be scanning your periphery for that sexy, oily, slippery viper Randy Orton and you might just escape his wrath.
What has caused Randy Orton to go on this rampage? Was the WWE boring him? Does he just do it for some sick twisted kick? At this point we don’t have those answers, all we do have are more questions. Like for every RKO Randy pulls off out of nowhere does a new baby viper get born? Is Randy the leader of an extremist terrorist organisation code named VIPER? If Randy wants to RKO you but you see him coming, do you still get RKO’d? We will obviously be searching for the answers, but for now let us assume the absolute worst.
What do you think has brought on this sudden flood of random viper attacks? Immigration? Greed? Stupidity? It’s all possible but we at Yack are going to point the finger at global warming, as we all know serpents are cold blooded beings and with increased heat and sunshine we are bound to see them mating, producing more offspring and consequently attacking humans more. Especially dumbass humans who put themselves in harms way.
For now, lock your doors, buy a flu shot, buy a gun, buy anything you can because the best thing you can do for yourselves is to stay right where you are, easily advertised to. Because there will be ongoing updates in this story and we want you to be the first to know where to send your money next.
Words by Matt Miles
Pictures by Jasons Haggard Faces