As the date of the Referendum for Independence in Scotland draws and the wait for the answer to the question on everyone’s lips is almost over, a flurry of rumors have been emerging from Aberdeen, following on from the PM’s visit there on Monday that, in what may well be his last act as chief of Scotland, that he is going to declare Thursday 18th September 2014 – Opposite day.
The ‘No’ campaign’s initial attempt to sabotage the voting process was stifled months ago, after campaigners for the ‘Yes’ vote discovered that polling stations would be issuing voters with pencils to use to register their votes on ballot papers. Potential voters were outraged as they feared for the integrity of their votes, concerned that some party might tamper with them using such hi-tech, state of the art equipment such as the ‘eraser on the other end of the pencil’. In order to block this obvious attempt at corruption and vote rigging from ever taking place, some members of the pro independents contacted the electoral commission, who gave their permission for voters to bring their own stationary to the voting booth, so as to ensure fairness. I hope they’ll be bringing them in transparent pencil cases and that their hands will be checked for any hastily scribbled notes, to discourage cheating.
Following on from this, the campaign for the union’s preservation knew that it had to come up with something cunning. It has been suggested that Cameron had been so impressed by his childhood hero David Beckham’s attempt to confuse the Scottish public by using words with lots of letters in such as ‘representing’ and ‘achievement’ in his open letter to them, that he has decided to go one step further and really screw with people, as he is wont to do.
Later reports surfaced, suggesting that while Cameron knew that he wanted to take this opportunity, potentially his last chance to feel the pulse of Scotland’s neck on his fingers, he wasn’t sure of quite how he could go about it. This was, of course, until he caught wind of fellow patriot Vivienne Westwood’s claim that she ‘Hate(s) England’ and the idea which will surely define his political career began to take shape.
The PM is expected to make a broadcast across all networks on Scottish Television on Thursday at 9:45am – while most of Scotland is still deeply involved in a Buckfast induced coma – to inform his neighbors to the north that Scotland will be observing the internationally recognized customs of Opposite Day for the duration of September 18th. It is believed he will refer back to the internationally accepted guidelines, as set out clearly on Wikipedia,and has declared that anyone not found to have been following the customs will be tried in a court of law, accused of treason, and sent to the dogs.
Following on from this, Cameron’s chief opponent Alex Salmond will – despite having had someone carefully explain the rules to him multiple times – accuse the PM of dirty tricks and corruption, condemning the supporters of the ‘No’ campaign in his own press conference, issuing what will come across as a strong message of support for the ‘No’ campaign at a vital moment.
Pandemonium is sure to ensue by lunch time, as Scotland braves the murky daylight through sunglasses and with a can of Lucozade in hand, only to find out that opposite day is in full swing. Shopkeepers desperately trying to negotiate with queues of angry customers, Glaswegian bus drivers being polite through gritted teeth, picketers stealing each others banners and signs outside polling stations, it is a scene which can only lead to ugly consequences.
Ultimately, this whole exercise is going to generate a lot more unrest than there had been before, as it is clear that whoever wins, the ‘majority’ of people are going to feel disappointed with the outcome. Such a contentious issue which has implications that nobody can truly understand at this point in time, is going to play out before us, with no clear winner storming ahead in the polls leading up to Referendum Day. Yack! will be following this story closely until something more interesting comes up. And we hope it does, soon.
Words by Richard Taylor
Pictures by Jasons Haggard Faces