Many of you inadequate gentleman out there probably have a little trouble putting that smile on your ladies faces. You can turn that frown upside down with this guide… Although you’ll probably either freak her out or piss her off… (Disclaimer: This guide is for our own sick entertainment. The people at YACK are not to be held responsible for any accidents or injuries that may occur from following this guide. It’s your own bloody fault if you do anything on this list… You fucking moron.)
1. Corking The Bottle
This one is a very simple concept with a very hit and miss success rate. The idea is to pull out, grab your mister and then jam your thumb on the end of the old Bishop’s Hat. This one can stop you from releasing your special sauce early but mainly just stops a lot of the mess…or it can create a powerful stream of pressurised semen that could blind a Kestrel at 200 yards. A sort of thumb on the Champagne bottle kinda deal…
2. Mind over matter
This method holds more success in the way of actually stopping your premature orgasm. Imagine this- You’re humping away and she’s looking amazing, you’re making it amazing and it’s feeling better than that time you sat on your arm until it went numb… Then you start to feel that rising feeling. She hasn’t gone yet and you’re going to have to endure the disappointed sigh after you’ve finished your embarrassing and anti-climatic trickle of lovepiss. HAVE NO FEAR. Look up, shut your eyes and jump to the least sexual thing you can think of: Football, cereal, the Go Compare man, Sarah Jessica Parker, The Chuckle Brothers, David Cameron, Grandma, Tesco, You, The Complete Boxset of Time Team, Your Genitals, Esther Ranson, Two girls and a pottery class for seniors with IBS, Sarah Jessica Parker again (what even is she?).
Whatever you can think of that will take your mind off the fact that a girl let you put it in her hoo haa. If at first it turns you on again, try something else, if it doesn’t work… Try therapy.
3. The Fake Burglar
If you’re of an awkward disposition you might not be comfortable with just stopping over and over to prolong your gentleman’s hose from dowsing the passionate heat of the bedroom. If the last sentence speaks to you in an eerie and accurate way, then heed my words of wisdom. Should you feel your little mister begin to weep, suddenly stop and lift your head, look around and say “Did you hear that?”. Hopefully she’ll be scared enough to stop as well. The next step is to continue with your session of sweaty awkwardness and repeat the first step; “there it was again…”. At this point you can go and ‘investigate’ the supposed activity. This will portray you in a brave light. After this is complete, she won’t be able to resist your bowl cut and stringy arms. Result.
Side note: This can also work with a spooky ghost.
4. Drink A Lot
Drink a lot…Dipshit.
5. The Tactical Wank
This one is quite self explanatory. When things begin to heat up and it looks like the evening is going bed-ward, run off to the bathroom and try and crack one out before you start. This should give you about half an hour before you’re ready to shoot the silver serum once again, leaving more time for you to make up for all the other times you’ve disappointed the opposite gender. Are you a catch or WHAT?!
6. Double Bag It / Extra Thick Johnnys
If you can’t figure this one out you don’t deserve to have sex, due to the remote possibility that you might reproduce and pass your stupid, idiotic genes on.
Side Note: Most of you disgust me anyway.
7. Just Be Good At Sex
Go away and leave me alone…
In conclusion there are probably many, many more ways to halt your sperm, but I’m starting to loath myself more than the average amount. The image of your pasty irritating faces near a naked woman is making me feel sick. None the less, here at YACK we’re always (never) interested to hear your views and opinions (please, don’t send anything. I fear I may kill.)
Words by James Anderson