Let me paint a picture for you: You and your best friend, Optimus Prime, are running through a field together on the way to Batman’s birthday party. You’ve got him the perfect gift and Cameron Diaz, who will also be attending the party, has left you a saucy snap chat on your phone. Suddenly you get hit by a bus that has a horn that sounds ridiculously like your alarm oh no it was just a dream shit……… you roll over to slide, push, lob or perform whatever inane action it is that you have to do to stop your fucking alarm and think to yourself “Work……. bollocks”. This is where this particular guide, might come in handy.
The Scratchy Throat
This is an age old method dating back to who the fuck cares. This is the most simple of all of the methods; all you need is confidence and a phone. Simply phone your boss with the most beaten up, sorry for yourself voice that you can. If you’re feeling hardcore, try opening that big ‘ole lying-to-your-boss mouth of yours and blow a hair dryer down your throat for a moment.
State that you might be in a little late today as you’ve been feeling a bit ill. Always make sure to shove a few small coughs in there and every now and then, a massive one. Tell them you were coughing all night but there was only a small bit of blood so you think you might be able to battle through and you’re probably not that infectious anyhow, although your hamster has coughed a few times this morning, but that’s probably nothing. Providing your boss isn’t reading this right now, around 7 out of 10 times they’ll turn around and give you the option of staying at home. Make it their idea for you to stay at home.
The DIY Vomit
Unless you live with someone that you work with then this one will have to be prepared and finished at your place of work……. or on the bus, as long as you’re in a public place.
WARNING: This one is not for those easily humiliated. Step one, get out of bed and go to the fridge. Step two, make the worst cocktail known to man: Eggs, milk, beans, mayonnaise, garlic powder, curry paste, vinegar, soy sauce, cat shit )why is there cat shit in your fridge?!), vodka, old bananas, new bananas, beer, more eggs, fish, tuna, that’s a fish also, thumb tacks, olive oil, butter, nasal spray…… whatever the fuck you can find. Pop it in the blender for say, 2 – 3 minutes, season to taste and store in whatever you feel appropriate to use as a fake vomit vessel.
The next bit depends on how expensive your work clothes are, If you’re an average Joe, go ahead and pour your concoction of fish based vomit onto yourself when you’re close to the office and start to look disheveled. But wait, I hear you say I’m a high flyer in an important job! (although, I can’t imagine you are, you just blended up tuna and cat shit) I can’t be seen walking around the office with vomit on my important self! However, if somehow you’ve cheated yourself to the top of some snazzy career, well done you. Let me guess, you wear a suit right? of course you do, you’re important as fuck. So leave your suit alone and empty your fake vomit into a toilet, the bin in your office, your office floor, wherever you want to bring attention to the fact you just spewed your guts and should be sent home to watch star wars in your pajamas.
This method involves calling in and stating that you can’t come in today and then stating an allusive reason that could be personal and people wont want to pry. This method may only work in England, as we’re prudish and terrified of being rude.
This works best if you have female parts and can role out age old classics such as ‘women’s problems’ or ‘ladies doctor appointment’s’. If however, you were made with dangly bits, that might confuse your boss, if those dangly bits are made of steel go for a ladies problems excuse and ride it out, no one likes to pry.
Other gender irrelevant shady work dodges could include sobbing uncontrollably and throwing out peculiar words…’i (sob) can’t make it in (sob, sob, nose blow, sob) my cat (sob) sushi (uncontrollable sobbing)’
If not, family trouble, having to go out of town for a few days or saying that you have an urgent appointment and you really can’t miss it are sure fire ways to make sure they don’t pry and you get to sit at home like the work skipping hero you are and eat butter off a spoon.
Words by James Anderson
If you need still more cheeky work dodges you can read Pt. 1 of How To Pull A Sickie here.