Levels of drug seizures (confiscations not people having fits) have fallen recently. This could be because people are coming up with savvy-er ways to smuggle that Destiny’s Child into music events, but could you be smuggling your drugs in a cooler way? Probably, and here are a few ways that YACK suggest you do it.
Obviously there are staple ways to smuggle drugs into festivals; popping those beauties up your bum, swallowing used condoms full of coke, simply slipping a few pills in your sock etc. But most of these ways are gross, and completely un-advisable. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to think outside the box and just be a little creative, however for all lazy junkies and recreational users a-like, YACK have done the hard work for you.
1. Packed Lunch
Do you look like an innocent fun chaser? Good, this is probably the most simple way to smuggle your Hermione Granger into any festival. Firstly make a delicious, fat sandwich, but just leave a little hole in the middle of your decedant filling to pop in a little ¼ in a doggy bag.
Wrap that bad boy up in some tin foil, slip it in a fresh lunchbox with a bag of crisps and an apple. Disguised to the maximum, that Stanky Danky will be safe. No security guard ever will take a packed lunch from a young simpleton looking for a good time, let alone even bother to open your snadwich up. If the sniffer dogs go for it, then your stash of that Japanese Sunset will still be safe, all dogs love sandwiches… Right?
2. Suncream Bottles
Festivals are a joyous occasion for many reasons; good music, bad food, no sleep, and, very occasionally, a weekend in the sunshine. That means you are going to need suncream, and lots of it. Wrap your baggy up in cling film (for extra waterproofing) and drop it in your L’oreal factor 50 with a hint of bronzer.
The beauty in this technique is, again, that no security guard in their right mind is going to confiscate sun lotion. I mean, what if you get skin cancer over the course of the weekend? They don’t need that kind of guilt, sunburn lasts for a week but the damage is there for ever, you tell him that, maybe even give him a cheeky squeeze to rub on his nose, it’s looking a little red.
Simple, effective and completely necessary.
3. Wet T-shirt Contest
This way to smuggle narcotics is not as glamorous or as sexy as its name suggests, and is undoubtedly the most difficult procedure to pull off. I first discovered the technique on an episode of CSI so it must be legit . . . . right?
To start you’ll need a new, clean (we cannot stress the cleanliness factor enough) T-shirt, some powdered drugs and some water. Oh, and a dish or bowl. Then you take the water and the drugs, and dissolve the drugs in to the water creating a glorious solution.
Next soak the T-shirt in the water and let it dry. try to catch any drips because this will be wasted naughties. This will allow the powder particles to dry into the fabric of the T-shirt. Finally take your drug shirt to a festival and soak it again. This time really douse it with water and ring it out into a container. The water should now be laced with drugs.
Leave this water in the sun to evaporate and you will hopefully be left with a container of, probably much less pure, powder to shove up your nose.
Its pretty elaborate but it might just work. Extra points for wearing that bad boy in through the front gate, this may end in you sniffing some rather sweaty sherbet though, but the prestige is worth it!
4. Drugged Leading The Blind
This may have animal rights activists hating on us, as well as the blind community, and if you don’t pull this off everybody you know will hate you. So it’s a risky business, but with just the right amount of Ray Charles swagger, it could just goddamn work.
First you get your baggy and you stick it right up a dog’s bum, preferably a golden retriever, the smugglers best friend. Next you’ll want to don a nice big, heavily tinted pair of sunglasses and then you just waltz straight into that festival with your ‘guide’ dog.
It’s our understanding that for the majority of security guards, giving you a rectal cavity search isn’t high on the list of the things they want to do, so giving a blind man’s dog one is even lower on that list. If the guy at the gate does however fall into that sick 1% or 2% a haughty cry of “you want to search my GUIDE DOGS ass for DRUGS” should get the rest of the queue on your side.
Besides if the sniffer dog goes in for the scent they’ll just think he’s saying hello, the plan is fool proof.
So there you have it space cadets, now get out there and have a good time. However, that being said, now we have told you this, you probably shouldn’t try any of these techniques because all the festival organizers potentially know what’s up too, and no-one wants to get busted. So maybe spend some time learning how to party sober, you terrible waster.
Words by Robert Hiscock