And so I beg the beast “Bestow unto me, the power to crush my enemies with a glance and the gift of eternal youth!” Horns ablaze the demon king brings down a cloven foot, releasing an unholy tremor. Clouds of dirt and smoke fill the air. As my lungs become heavy and my vision blurred by dust, a thousand voices cry below from the darkness
“I SHALL GRANT THIS SELFISH TOKEN UNDER A CONDITION OF MY OWN”, Howled the being. As I tremble in my skin from both fear and awe I reply,
“If it is my soul you want, oh great one, then take it!” The ground begins to shake as a terrible laugh fills my mind.
“NO!” screams the beast, “FOR THIS GIFT,YOU MUST WATCH… SPRING BREAKERS!!… All the way through and everything”
For those of you feeling confused, this is still a review on the sun soaked summer flick known as “Spring Breakers” and what I’m trying to say is that this film is worse than selling your soul to the devil.
In fact there are a thousand things I’d rather do than watch this film again: lose a finger, punch a box of tacks, touch a boiling kettle, eat an emery board, snort sand, cross my heart hope to die etc.
It’s nearly three hours long and with every second that passes all I can think is “Why?”. Why isn’t anything happening? Why is James Franco in this film? Why is James Franco wearing grills? Too many questions with no answers provided by the film.
There will be a few of you out there thinking “Ooh, a mysterious story with twists and turns.”… No. There is nothing mysterious about the story or any of the characters involved it’s just dumb.
Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine star as four girls desperate to go on their long awaited spring break. They rob a chicken shop (for those of you reading from Bedford, you may be able to relate) and use the money to go on a holiday to what I think is Florida. They take some drugs, get arrested and bump into James Franco after he bails them out. James Franco plays a white rapper/wannabe crime lord known as “Alien”. He takes a shine to the girls and offers to “look after” them and leads them further into a world of drugs, crime and violence. One by one the girls become disenchanted with the dick in the Hawaiian shirt and go home, leaving two girls left to go on a crime spree with James Franco.
Everything about this film sounds like it should be a little bit good: Disney girls gone bad, GREAT, violence, AWESOME, drugs, BADASS, James Franco, I LIKED PINEAPPLE EXPRESS?!, and in theory the story isn’t a terrible one. However. The film does not deliver. The story is stretched like Courtney Love’s face over her crippled skull. While you’re waiting for something to happen the film is lobbing random scenes of nothing at you along with, strange unexplained gunshot sounds, lines you’ve either already heard or are going to hear many times more, blurred pictures of street lights and scenes of them with bongs or joints or cigars for some fucking reason.
I know what some of you are thinking, “Great I love smoking and junk. Why wouldn’t I want to see girls in bikinis doing drugs?”
It’s trying too hard to be something and ending up just looking stupid. Watch it out of sheer curiosity to see what I’m talking about and do so at your own peril… Once again… It’s shit…
Words by James Anderson