Shitty Albums is a series of reviews for, quite possibly, the worst albums on the planet.
Part IV: Elmo – The Best Of Elmo
If you are struggling to think of a single good song by this furry little speed freak and wondering how they possibly managed to smash together a “best of” at all, you’re not alone. Elmo never took the charts by storm, even by Sesame Street standards the fuzzy fuck was the Paul McCartney of the gang. Cookie Monster and Ernie both have a far more respectable back catalogue of solid hits, but do they get a “best of” album? No… well probably, I can’t be bothered to check to be honest. The fact of the matter is, Elmo is a media whore, not originally part of the “crew” he was just a nameless schmuck confined to the background before somehow he managed to weasel his way into the limelight. This album is the culmination of his prima donna-ing, he didn’t earn it, no one wants it and ultimately that is why it is such a heaping pile of self indulgent trash! Fuck you Elmo!!
Songs like “Elmo’s Song” and “Elmo Wrote His Name” prove just what an arrogant little shit this monster really is, as if it wasn’t infuriating enough to hear the little prick constantly referring to himself in the third person, now I have to sit through two minutes of him doing it whilst patting himself on the back for spelling his four letter name? Or stumbling his way through a paint by numbers monologue of how he created the best song ever whilst simultaneously singing the worst song ever? It would be impressive if it wasn’t so ear-bleedingingly tragic. Seriously, try writing some lyrics that aren’t just “La la la” you massive jeb-end.
If you were to skip through the album you might be fooled into thinking that Elmo is a fierce advocate encouraging youngsters to use their imaginations, however the fact that he has dedicated two songs to this end, both with shockingly similar content and lyrics shows a severe lack of imagination on his own part. This kind of hypocrisy will worm it’s way into your child’s brain and inevitably cause them to become massive cunts relying on similar underhanded, lazy tactics themselves.
Several songs on the album are in fact cover versions, Elmo does not give the credit where it’s due and has simply taken these songs and tried to make them his own, failing miserably. Although it’s fairly transparent, this lack of respect and cordial courtesy proves just what a slimy little cunt Elmo truly is. He even steals songs from his fellow Sesame Street puppets, what a massive douche.
Several song titles on the album might tease the hip hop head into a vague interest in this red fuzzed pile of trash, with one song featuring a guest spot from “Wolfgang” however instead of Tyler and the crew you are instead treated to a tedious track instead receiving backing vocals from some of the lamest and most obscure members of the Sesame Street cast. Another disappointment was served in the form of the track “Elmo Sings The Rap Alphabet” which features no rhyme, weak flow, and no lyrics. The smug little shit simply says the alphabet, fast. I don’t know what rap you’ve been listening to Elmo, you moron, but that is not how it works.
Overall, the album doesn’t gel, which each high pitched, squeeking pile of filth seemingly coming out of nowhere and hitting you like a furr covered freight train. There are no stand out tracks, and not a single reason that you could possibly justify tormenting your child by forcing them to listen to this over-hyped excuse for musical relevance. Stick to what you’re best at Elmo, which is having a fist shoved so far up your arse it can forcibly keep your stupid annoying mouth shut the fuck up! An ability it should clearly utilize more often.
Words by Matt Miles