This is Yack Magazine reporting to you from the epicentre of Superstorm Tony, which some are calling the nicest storm they have ever experienced.
From our perch on Bournemouth beach we can see the chaos unfurling as we type, over to our left we just watched on helplessly as one poor citizen had to apply factor 40 sunscreen, whilst to our right a small child is erecting a sand break in the shape of a tiny castle, no doubt terrified of what is to come and doing what he can to prepare. A particularly strong gust of wind just whipped up a candy wrapper from further up the beach and deposited it at our feet, quite frankly it’s pandemonium.
If you read some of the same weather reports we did you may have been tricked into believing we were going to be drowning in apocalyptic weather this weekend, golf ball sized hailstones, flash flooding and maybe even some brimstone or hellfire. The truth is far more terrifying, it was all a conspiracy to try to keep the beaches free for members of the illuminati or something.
Yet I am hear to report that you can in fact leave your storm bunkers and rejoin society, well done for installing a reliable internet connection in your bunker though. Yes, those scumbags down at the Met Office have lied to us once more my friends, further proof that meteorology is as about as reliable as reading tea leaves, hardly a science at all. Fuck the Met Office, I’m going swimming.