All Hail Our New Almighty Overlords: UKIP

The world of politics is a murky, shark infested ocean, one most of us are too afraid to dip our toes into, let alone strip buck naked and go for a swim. We’d rather stay here on the beach and hope that no one notices that we’ve elected to not bring a swimming costume, because we’ve never really bothered taking swimming lessons and the sand looks so lovely and warm it’s practically begging you to pick up your little toy plastic spade and bury your head in it . . .

Cute metaphors aside, you should have voted. If you didn’t you are a lazy, stupid, piece of filth and you have no right to complain or voice an opinion on the state of affairs country wide from this point on. Basically you are a mute and your opinion is invalid to us, if you can be bothered to lift your chubby little slothful fingers at all to reply to us in the comments, we will simply ignore it as we would a vagrant in the street. You are less than human. You are pond-scum floating aimlessly atop the previously described horrible murky waters.

If you did vote, well done. You have been successfully manipulated by a group of lying tosspots into believing the drivel they spout will actually achieve something. You gullible fucking moron, do you want a medal or something? Stop gormlessly staring at us with that shit eating grin, trotting along to the polling station to obediently tick a box like a trained monkey is hardly impressive. Where is your pride man!?

Illustration by Jason Bowles

Illustration by Jason Bowles

Why vote? Do any of the parties actually inspire any sort of excitement or honest belief in change? UKIP did, they have managed to whip their supporters up into a frenzy, we should all be proud of what UKIP have achieved whilst their victory may not be the “earthquake” it is reported to be, it is a shocking and powerful victory for independent parties. As countries all over Europe feel the pinch of a struggling economy it is the far right parties that have received the largest influx of new voters. Because we all want a scapegoat in these hard times, so why not blame the filthy fucking foreigners. This has seen the mainstream media uproariously celebrating the victories of these outsider extremist parties and you may have been fooled into believing that they now sit among the majority within the EU. This assumption however could not be farther from the truth.

You see although UKIP did win the largest share of the vote in the UK, there was only an estimated 42% turn out and they still only earned themselves around 7 extra seats within the EU parliament. So their “victory” is closer to coming in third place in a sack race at the local sports day when the Olympics is coming up next year and you didn’t even make it onto the Great British team.

But really, how hard is it to gain support when your “manifesto” is basically a shopping list of all the things that make people most angry, minus any real policies to amend or improve them. The entire UKIP campaign has basically been Nigel Farage going pub to pub seeing what pisses people off and then promising “Nige’ll fix it for ya!”, draw your own comparisons folks.

Also Nige . . . if you’re reading this, if the first line of your website has to introduce your party as “non-rascist” you are doing something wrong, no other party has to do that mate. Another also, when you bragged that you “were the only party that has banned BNP members from joining”, again, no one else has to do that, because their policies don’t integrally hinge around their members being moronic rascist assholes.

nf2 001

“Wind farms? Hate them. Foreigners? Hate them. Nits? Hate them. Smoking ban? Hate it. Disease and war? Hate it. The tragic failure of humanity to unite as a species and finally achieve enlightenment and world peace? Not sure about that, but THE NEXT ROUNDS ON ME BRITAIN!”

The European Union as a concept is one of unity, the governments and political parties of Europe coming together to sip champagne, quaff fois gras and discuss policies bigger than any single country, the power a party has within the EU is based on their standing within their larger European coalitions. UKIP and their far right separatist allies collectively hold 38 seats, the Green party who have all but been relegated to the “Other” category in this years election share a far more impressive 52 seats with their equality minded friends. Labour, Conservative and Lib Dems hold substantially more power than both, so this is far from the UKIP earthquake victory you are being sold.

We at Yack! would like to thank UKIP however, because this is a victory of sorts for the democratic parliamentary system. Not only has this election highlighted the effective and scary power of a proportional representative voting system, it has shown the general populace that they don’t have to vote for the Tories or Labour. There are in fact other parties, they do indeed have policies and ideals that may in fact stink far less of shit, in fact some of them are positively fragrance free. You need to follow your heart, whether that heart be an ignorant and slightly racist one or not is besides the point, because this is democracy god damn it, and just because your vote is wrong, doesn’t mean you can’t have it.

We would also like to thank Russell Brand, who has crippled our generation with a false sense of apathy towards the entire voting system. Brand’s actual influence over our lack of representation in the polls is debatable, but their is no “revolution” in not voting, if you really do want to register your animosity towards the whole system, go to the voting station and spoil your vote, put a big “X” or write “FUCK YOU!” on your ballot paper, you could even wipe your indignant little arse with it and really show them how you feel man! Because that will at least would be counted.

In conclusion, we would like to urge all you hip young things reading this, to take an interest, because it is kind of important, regardless of what you think or what other people might say. The way the country is run is very important, it can be changed and you do have a say in that. Democracy is in effect, it’s just there is a bit of an awful ruckus at the moment and we just aren’t shouting loud enough.

Words by Matt Miles.

Pictures by Jason Bowles.

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