It is that time of the year where we need to start complaining that the sun is out. This is a guide that explains the most effective ways to complain about the weather.
Have a back story ready
The number one golden rule of complaining about the hot weather in Britain is having a back story. You are going to need to be able to recall a horrific event at a moments notice, whether it is a true story or not. Get your back story straight, this will be the spine of your complaints for the whole summer.
This back story has to be something believable, yet traumatic enough to warrant you not wanting to spend time in the sun. For example “Last time it was this hot my cousin passed out and was in a coma for ten weeks, I don’t want that happening to me.”
Obviously it’ll need to be a lot more detailed, when people start asking “Why did they pass out?” or “How come they ended up in a coma”, you are going to need the answers. Start planning this story around March so that it can be retold at any given moment by May.
People just do not know that you are hot.
After you have got that back story nailed, you are going to have to complain to everyone and anyone about how hot it is. Once or twice now and again just will not do, you will need to bombard everybody you encounter with mindless negativity towards the sun. There are a number of ways you can do this without being so direct.
Number 1- Pant like a dog.
What do dogs do when they get too hot? They stick their tongues out and pant, because as humans we can sweat, no one recognises just how hot we are getting. The solution? Stick your tounge out and pant, let everybody know that you are so hot that drenching your body in your own putrid sweat just is not doing the trick. Get right up in peoples face’s, let them feel how hot your breath is on their face, let them smell the heat coming out of your rancid and dehydrated mouth.
Number 2- Drink until you are sick.
Another way to passivley indicate that you are fucking hot as fuck, is to drink way, way too much. I’m not talking 12 cool pints in the sun, I am talking 3 or 4 litres of warm tap water. If you choose alcohol you run the risk of having fun in the sun, something, as Brits, we DO NOT wish to have.
It is not enough to simply make yourself sick by drinking this much water, you need to let everyone know just how much you have drunk. Perhaps show off your grossly bloated stomach, rub it a little like theres an infant water baby ready to pour out of you. Accompany this with groans and wails and verbally vomit phrases like “I must’ve drunk 40 pints of water. I feel so sick, but it beats being dehydrated.”.
Number 3- Do I smell?
Because you are sweating so much you are bound to smell like the inside of a rotting asshole. So why not share what you have created with your loved ones? Whether topless, vested or simply wearing a t-shirt, get people to sniff right inside your scabby armpits. If at first they do not oblige, force them, make it abundantly clear that you stink and that they need to experience what you are going through.
For added displeasure, force people to touch your sweaty skin as an indicator of how much you have been sweating. Not only do they now have a soggy hand, but it will stink for the rest of the day. They’ll use their phones, touch their girlfriends and eat with that hand. Gross.
Number 4- Get inside.
Nobody really likes being in the hot sun all day, so constantly suggest indoor activities.
“Hey guys why don’t we go to the cinema”
They will respond with something like;
“But it’s a lovely day out, come and enjoy the sun asshole.”
This is where you can crack out that back story;
“But last time I was out in the sun my cousin passed out and was in a coma for 10 weeks, can’t we just stay inside or something.”
Once inside, complain about how hot and stuffy it is, this is a perfect oppurtunity to get people to touch your sweaty body. Do this as much as possible and people will just stop asking you if you want to hang out in the sun.
There area few key things you’ll need to do to ensure you are as uncomfortable as possible to make your complaints as effective as possible;
1. Aways wear black. It makes you hot as fuck and sweaty as fuck. When asked to take your shirt off to cool off, play the insecurity card.
2. Never EVER EVER wear sunscreen. This allows you room to complain all day that you think you are getting burnt. If you do get burnt, take a photo and upload it to Facebook. That way everyone knows you have had a bad day in the sun.
3. Do not buy summer duvets. The 3.5 tog summer duvet is a perfect excuse to not complain about a bad nights sleep. Instead stick with that 13.5 tog winter duvet so you can slowly roast yourself in bed, get no sleep and consequently complain about how flipping hot you were in bed last night.
These are just a few examples of the ways you can complain, but really you can complain in any way you like. Just remember, complain often and make it clear how uncomfortable you are, and ALWAYS bring up your backstory.
Words by Robb Hiscock