How To Not Eat Mistreated Meat

A midst the latest media furor against the “secret” use of Halal meat in some of our favorite “restaurants”, there has been a documented rise in the number of Britons who suddenly seem to care about the way their meat is treated before slaughter. With that in mind we thought we would put together a handy guide for those who have suddenly made the astonishing discovery that meat is in fact dead animals.

Yeah McDonalds you dicks, why don't you cut dead chickens throats instead, unfeeling bastards.

Yeah McDonalds you dicks, why don’t you cut dead chickens throats instead, unfeeling bastards.

#1 – Become a vegetarian.

It seems like a no brainer, if you don’t like eating animals that were harmed or had their lives drastically changed by the fact that they were always destined to end up on your plate or more likely in a supermarket’s skip, then don’t eat them.

There has never been a meat product packaged with the line “no animals were harmed in the making of this product”.

#2 – Eat less meat.

The argument that we are designed to eat meat is a fair one. The sustenance we can gain from it’s consumption is considerable and whilst we can find alternatives, why bother right? More than all that balderdash though, bacon is a culinary delight akin to having Nigella Lawson share her last line with you and then suck you off whilst you munch on a batch of her Ritzy Chicken Nuggets. So it’s understandable if you cannot shun meat altogether, but you can cut back. Yes we are meant to eat meat, we are not meant to eat it everyday, certainly not for every meal you gluttonous and indulgent prick.

#3 – Farm your own meat.

If both of our previous suggestions don’t appeal, then maybe you could try slaughtering your own meat, you can be sure it was done in a most loving and friendly way then. Maybe you could treat the animal like it was a member of the family, let it dine with you at dinner time and watch as you consume it’s brothers and friends, to insure it understands the nature of it’s existence. At night you could let it sleep with you and gently kiss it’s head as it falls asleep content. When the day comes for it’s slaughter you could stick on some Enya and put it to sleep with a lethal injection whilst cuddling it lovingly, before butchering it and consuming it’s flesh.

Such a happy dog, must have a happy life. He looks delicious!!

Such a happy dog, must have a happy life. He looks delicious!!

Sub note: you may want to combine this method with #2 unless your bed has room for a literal farmyard of creatures, due to your current meat consumption being frankly ridiculous, you greedy sanctimonious knob.

Words by Matt Miles

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3 thoughts on “How To Not Eat Mistreated Meat

  1. Outstanding post but I was wanting to know if you could write
    a litte more on this subject? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit more.

    Cheers!

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