When adding up your bills and expenses this month and noticing that you have absolutely nothing left for frivolous consumerism, don’t despair, we have a little piece of advice for you that means you can free up some cash to spend on pointless crap. Don’t buy food.
You may think that sounds crazy, after all eating is pretty necessary right? It is. But spending money on sustenance is a thing of the past. There is a bunch of perfectly good food rotting in the bottom of skips and bins all across the country. The sheer amount of wasted food is “overwhelming in both quantity and quality. And with the waste from the business of food production and distribution feeding our landfills better than many of our citizens, dumpster diving is one act of nonviolent civil resistance against the excesses of our corporate food chain.”
In your head you may now be picturing a domestically challenged man rummaging through a street bin for leftover french fries, but that is a rookie mistake my friends. Not only have you instantly treated this revolutionary idea with disdain, but also only a mug would go for street bins, let us educate you with some helpful tips.
#1 – Location, Location, Location.
As we mentioned before, the likelihood of you coming across anything worth while in your average street bin is slim, be smart with your food heist, go straight to the source. If you’ve ever been tempted by something in the reduced section at Tescos or Asda, you’re already halfway there. Instead of paying 25% less for that pack of apples that goes off tomorrow, why not pay 100% less for it going off yesterday?
Supermarkets throw away a RIDICULOUS amount of food, most of it still tasty as fuck. The bins are emptied daily and normally kept quite clean, they are unfortunately fairly well protected however, as these Supermarket chains don’t like you having their waste for free. They’ll spin it with a line like “we don’t want to be sued by someone who got sick from eating rotten tapioca.” but really they’re just like that snotty little brat who wouldn’t let any other kids play with his toys, even when he wasn’t using them.
#2 – Anonymity
These bins will normally be kept under surveillance so your first essential tool is a mask of some sort, as even though by taking away their rubbish you are doing them a favor, and not even asking for payment in return, they may be super douchey and try to hit you with a trespassing charge. We would recommend a mask in the likeness of Jean Baptiste-Say to keep it ironic but as much as we searched, we couldn’t find any one making one. But judging by how full these bins are I guess supply doesn’t create it’s own demand after all.
#3 – Point Of Entry.
Your main opposition should be the fence, if there is one. They don’t pay any of their employees enough, due to . . . well capitalism, so unless the security guard has short man syndrome or some other reason to feel the need to flex his power over you, he will either pretend not to notice, genuinely not notice or be easily talked out of noticing.
In regards to the fence, the best approach is a long term one. If you can easily and surreptitiously weaken the fence for repeat visits, you will never go hungry again. So really scout out the perimeter, come prepared, heavy duty tools can be brought and left at the entry point.
#4 – Dress For The Job.
Whilst this way of life is by no means as filthy as preconceptions may suggest, it is also not entirely clean. Not wearing a suit (unless coupled with a Jean Baptiste-Say mask for social commentary) is a given. But there are also some less obvious dress choices we would like to bring to your attention. Skinny jeans are not only the go to choice of the hipster, they are also the ultimate in fence scaling attire, anything baggy that can catch is only going to hamper your progress. It is also a good idea to have just one dumpster diving outfit, not only will that encourage you not to wear it for any other activities (thus making it harder to recognize you) but it also means there is no real need to wash it, save the enviroment ya’ll.
The cover of night is likely to be your most important fashion choice though, so a headlamp is probably a very wise accessory for that.
#5 – Browsing
Once you’re in, the temptation is to be in and out as quickly as possible. You may just grab a bag from the skip or just sling items into your own willy nilly, but this is wrong. Taking a couple moments to “shop” through the skip will yield a much better harvest.
We hope these tips will prove helpful, if you still balk at the idea of dumpster diving, the best way to ease yourself in is baby steps, maybe start somewhere posh, “this isn’t just any bin food, this is M&S bin food.”
Words by Yack Magazine.