How To Become A Private Investigator

So you need a job, but you don’t have any skills. You don’t want to go to the job center because you know what they are like. Becoming a private eye is the perfect solution, provided you have eyes and the ability to eat.

What’s the job? I hear you ask, well it is getting paid for catching other peoples partners cheating. Now I know that being an actual Private Investigator takes a lot more practice and is a much better job, but seeing as you have no skills you’ll have to start from the bottom.

Preparation is a vital before going out on any job. You could be sitting in a car, a hedge or worse for days on end, so it is essential to have everything you need to see you through.

First of all snacks. Forget full blown meals, they take too much care and attention to make whilst you’re crouched in a hedge. For as long as it takes to get the money shot (that golden photogragh that serves as proof that someone is cheating), you’ll be munching on snack foods. A personal favourite of mine from my time as a private eye are ‘Mikado‘, if you’re not familiar they are short sticks of biscuit that have been dipped in chocolate.

Second of all, you’re going to need a blanket. God knows how many times I have been sat in a hedge freezing my potatoes off trying to get the money shot. Not only will it keep you toastie, it will also serve as great camouflage if you are ever caught.

Thirdly you will need a backpack with the following things; Camera, Binoculars, toilet paper and a Pringles can.

NB. The camera MUST have no less than 7x optical zoom. If you stumble across another private eye in the field they will just laugh in your pathetic face if you don’t.

7x zoom, it's not compensation, it's necessary.

7x zoom, it’s not compensation, it’s necessary.

Now, you’re out on a job, tucked up in your blanket eating Mikado when all of a sudden a paranoid cheater spots you. What do you do? Well there is a number of things you should do depending on your location, but the essential in any situation is playing dead. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you, right? This works particularly well if you are in a car, you can lock the doors and feel safe that no one can harm you.

If that doesn’t work pull out that Pringles can (we all know what you have used it for.) and just fling the contents at the threat. Not only will this make him stink of shit, but it will also act as a distraction, giving you enough time to run. Although you should never be getting into a situation like this because your 7x optical zoom and can see things from miles away.

What can you expect to earn? Well you’re just starting out so don’t get greedy. When I first started I operated a no fee system, where if the partner was found to be cheating, the customer doesn’t have to pay. Now, you may think this is illogical, but the last thing you want is to be forking out money after finding your partner has been cheating. Plus a newly singled lady will want to re-bound with the closest/nicest guy to hand. You might not get paid in money, but benefits… benefits.

Words by Robb Hiscock

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One thought on “How To Become A Private Investigator

  1. Pingback: How To Pull A Sickie | Yack Magazine

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