How many times have you been caught out needing a crap? There comes a point in every man’s life where you are just too far from the nearest toilet and your options are running out. Here is where this how-to guide comes in. Never again will you feel lost in a world without toilets, follow these steps and you’ll forever lead a happy life.
There are some essential pieces of equipment you must carry with you at all times. Not necessarily on your person, just nearby. The first being some form of soft tissue, I’m not saying toilet paper because it is often impractical to carry around a whole roll of poo-poo paper, but a handy pack of Aloe Vera Kleenex would certainly suffice (Just be sure to have a roll of proper toilet paper in the boot of your car. Trust me.). Another very handy piece of apparatus you’ll need is a carrier bag, they are easy to come by so you don’t really need to carry one around with you, nevertheless they are a must-have.
On The Move Carrier Bag Poo
If you manage to pull this off you are a genius, many (just me) have tried and many (just me) have failed.
You’re driving along, there’s no hard shoulder and no services for a long, long time, all you have is a carrier bag and the desire not to crap your pants. Next thing you need to do is un-do you’re trousers, and slip the carrier bag inside your pants so that you’re sitting on it, making sure the handles are coming up by your sides. Prop your body up just slightly so that there is room to be filled between you and the bag, and then fill that space. Fill it all up. If you can manage to wipe, then wipe but for the purpose of this emergency procedure you can get away with not wiping. Perhaps just fold a few pieces of TP up and slot them in your butt-crack.
You can chuck the bag out the window or leave it in the foot well of your passenger seat, its up to you. Just be careful and remember driving comes first, I’m sure you would rather be alive with a little bit of shit in your undies rather than dead with a little bit of shit in your undies.
The Simple Carrier Bag
This carrier bag method will force you in to being a little less discreet. You’ll need to find a densely wooded area or somewhere a little private. Once you’re in this ‘safe place’ take off all lower body clothing, and slip a leg in each handle of the carrier bag. Pull the bag up until the handles reach your hips, or as close to them as possible.
Now you’re essentially wearing a flexible drip tray, spread your legs just a little wider than your shoulders and drop the bombs. At this point you may want to be careful of piss running out the holes in the bottom of the bag, and hold on tight to the bag, the last thing you want is a pound of chocolate cake mix pulling the bag off.
Once you’re all done, wipe, place the shitty paper in the bag, tie it up and fling it up the nearest tree (or put it in a bin or something.).
Changing A Car Tyre
Changing the car tyre is the most unclean way of pooping without a toilet. You’re driving and miles away from a service station, just pull your car over and ‘change your tyre’, simple right?
People will not question the guy who is squatting by the side of his car on the hard shoulder, as they fly past at 70 MPH. So just go on the side of the road, wipe yourself up and just leave it. Disgusting I know but who cares, some one else is only going to pull over and drive through it anyway.
Pringles Can At A Picnic
Now this is the least civilised way to take a shit in the history of civilisation. Everybody knows what its like to need a poo whilst at a picnic, just sitting on that tartan effect blanket clenching your butt-cheeks together so hard they could merge into one. Now you don’t need to worry, this method solves this age-old issue.
Make sure you have finished off a can of Pringles, and don’t be afraid to look greedy when finishing them off quickly, you’re about to do something a whole lot worse. Roll yourself up in the blanket as if you are about to have a snooze, place the rim of the can around your butt-hole and squeeze that little duke out. Hopefully it’ll slide right down into the tube no problem, just wipe up with your Aloe Vera Kleenex and pop the lid on. Wrap that up in a carrier bag and go put it in a bin, the last thing you want is some child at the picnic thinking they have hit the jackpot with the last pot of Pringles, only to find tube full of ass-gravy.
Words by Robert Cailes