Easter is shit. What is the real meaning of Easter… let me tell you, there isn’t one. Christians try to cover up this glutinous weekend with religious mumbo jumbo, well this is B.S. They have done this to the extent where no-one even knows what Easter means any more.
You may be thinking it is a celebration of an April weekend, where Mr. Christ went round handing out chocolate eggs to Rabbits in an attempt to seduce them. You would be right. Sometimes he would hide the eggs in an attempt to play hard to get. This is where the tradition of Easter egg hunts come from.
Pagans used to hide hard boiled eggs with their names scrawled on in permanent marker. Then all the woman of the tribe would go out and hunt for the eggs. When the tribeswomen found the eggs, they would be paired with the respective male. Now just how this got skewed through time, so that we hide eggs for children is relatively unknown, but we can speculate.
Many say that the Victorians were the ones who started hiding eggs for children, and its rather easy to understand why. The Victorians are well documented for mating with youths and even toddlers. This obviously led to the children themselves, growing up to believe that fornicating with children was acceptable. It is a little known fact that Mr. James Saville was born just six years after the coronation of Queen Victoria.
So here is 5 ways to hide your Easter eggs so that kids will never find them, stopping them becoming paedophiles when they grow up, and stopping you from having to fuck them. You could say its a win-win.
1. Don’t hide any.
It’s simple, just don’t buy into this disgusting holiday. If you don’t hide any eggs, you’re children won’t find any eggs. You’ll save money too. This doesn’t mean you can’t let the little brats go hunting though, have some you time.
2. Stick them to the ceiling.
Sellotaping eggs to the ceiling is the perfect way to teach your children that having sexual intercourse with children is wrong. The beauty of this is that the children will be able to see them, but because children are small they won’t be able to reach them. This teaches children that you have to have grown, psychically and emotionally, before you can have sex with other consenting adults.
3. Hide them in your pockets.
Get the eggs in your pocket, this won’t teach the children any life lessons but it does get you off the hook. If anybody starts slipping their hand in your pocket, it obviously means they want to have sex with you. So you’ll be cleared of any rapey allegations if the child does happen to find them, and you do have to fuck them.
Burying the eggs is a sneaky little way to hide the eggs. If that fat little fuck works out where they are and digs them out of the ground like little chocolate potatoes, then you can let them off the traditional reward/punishment, that they are entitled to. Because who wants to fuck a muddy, sweaty kid?
5. Make fake eggs out of poo.
Why? Because its disgusting that’s why. Also one taste and those kids will immediately cease their hunt, teaching them that Easter truly is shit, and they should have nothing to do with it.