How To Steal A Car

There is no doubt that owning a car is not cheap. So if you cannot afford one, why not just steal one? Because you’ll get busted that’s why. The movies make stealing a car look so easy, well it is not, there is more to it than just wrapping a shirt round your hand and punching the window through. So here is a little guide that will tell you how to steal a car, without getting caught…Hopefully.

The Four-Board Skate ‘n’ Steal

The first method you should consider is the Four-Board Skate ‘n’ Steal. A simple technique, but one that takes quite a large amount of effort.

Best performed at night, the Four-Board Skate ‘n’ Steal is best for keeping a low profile, as it is a virtually silent method of stealing a car.

You will need four skateboards, a car jack and a friend. Select your car, and using the cover of darkness, take the following steps;

1. Jack the near-side front wheel and place a skateboard underneath.

2. Jack the off-side rear wheel and place a skate board under.

The reason that you jack two opposite corners of the car, is so that you only need to use the jack twice. After that, you can just tilt the car from side to side, and it really just speeds things up (and lets face it you are committing a pretty serious crime so it is fairly important to be swift).

Once all four skateboards are underneath, you and a friend can push the car away. Using skateboards means you can still steer the car without accessing the steering wheel. Once you have the car in a less populated area you can just smash a window or something and get that little puppy running.

When you’re done with your joyride just set fire to the car by a lake. Cheap, easy fun.

Ask for the keys

This is really just trial and error, but once you find that golden ticket you will be in for a treat. Just simply asking for someone’s car keys is pretty unheard of, and for obvious reason you might say. No one is just going to give up the keys to their car to a polite young man or woman. Would they? Well if you do not ask you do not get, and seeing as you want to get your hands on a car that is not yours, there is no harm in asking.

Although you will not be insured to drive the car (unless you ask someone you know like your Mum or Dad, then you might be) you will have no problem telling the cops that you did not steal the car and that you were given it. Perfect.

Get out there and burn some rubber in the knowledge you are safe from a lengthy jail term for car theft. Once you have had your fun drive the car off of a pier or fill it with fireworks and watch it light up. Obviously do not take the car back to the owner, the fact they were kind enough to give you the keys, does not mean you should be kind enough to return their car. Teach them a lesson on who to trust. As Stone Cold Steve Austin once said “D.T.A, don’t trust anybody”.

Deconstruction-Reconstruction

This is by far the most complex technique and it will probably help for one of the thieves to be a mechanic. As the title suggests you will need to take the entire car apart and re-build it. The beauty of this is that you can put the car where ever you like, the downside you will need a shit load of friends or a shit load of time.

Danny Dyer showing you how to steal a car.  Image by Jon Coombs

Danny Dyer showing you how to steal a car.
Image by Jon Coombs

Picking the right car is going to be just as important as being able to put it back together again. You will need to find a car that no-one uses regularly. The last thing you want is, two days into the deconstruction, the owner wanting to pop down the shops in your car. This is going to take time so make sure the car is well out of use, but at the same time make sure it still runs.

Assuming you have managed to get all the parts back together to make a fully functioning motor vehicle, you are going to want to go and take it for a test drive. Seeing as you technically built the car, you can pop what ever serial numbers and license plates you like on it. Ultimately this does not matter, as once you have had your evening of joyriding fun, you are going to bury the car in the forest or take it apart again and scatter the pieces across the world.

Words by Robb Hiscock

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