Sleeping with strangers is a tricky business, made all the more trickier by the plentiful pitfalls awaiting any amorous adventurer. So here is a handy how-to guide on avoiding the major stumbling block on any quest across the squelching marshland of one night stands.
What is the worst way to pick up a one night stand?
So you’re feeling horny, everyone is going into town tonight and you figure it’s the perfect chance for you to doll yourself up to the nines and pray to god someone is drunk enough to find you attractive. So after a couple hours of dutch courage at your friends place, you hit the clubs. First mistake dummy, do you know where is a better place to find someone to dirty your sheets with? Literally anywhere.
The beauty and effectiveness of a club is unparalleled, the very reasons it succeeds are the same sucky, seedy reasons that it is such a hive of scum and villainy.
Reason # 1: Visual Impairment
Clubs are dark, even if you manage to stay sober enough to keep those beer goggles off your head, you are no less likely to end up going home with someone more samiad than simian. This disgusting troll will likely spend a lot of time making out with you in the hopes that you kiss with your eyes closed, you will then be swiftly whisked back to their lair where you will be eaten or worse, mated with.
Reason # 2: Whiskey Dick
Once the victims have chosen each other they leave the womb of the club and head somewhere more private, smushing their lips together in what probably sounds and looks like a masticating jelly beast, clumsily throwing clothes around until they are both awkwardly naked and then IT happens. For the man it is a humiliating and emasculating event, enough to make you question the very reason for your existence. For the girl equally humiliating, when you can’t give a boner to this drunk, washed up bozo then who CAN you give a boner too? No one that’s who. The fact that this flaccid occurrence has nothing to do with each other and everything to do with the shitty choice in alcopops, designer drugs and the lack of a real attraction does not enter into the brain of these club loving sub-humans, the awkward silence is broken by reassurances that it’s ‘never happened before’ or that it ‘happens all the time’, it has never been properly established which is worse.
Reason #3: The Toilets
Whilst sometimes it is hard to differentiate between where the club floor ends and the latrine begins, it is in no doubt that club toilets are amongst the shittiest places in the world (pun intended). Whether there to evacuate bodily fluid for fun or necessity, every second you spend here will be one you relive in hell. If you have never delighted in the bittersweet debauchery of receiving oral pleasure in a toilet stall then we are here to let you know, you have missed out on nothing my friend. Giving or receiving, neither is in anyway pleasurable, but putting their mouth to the sweaty privates of a stranger plucked fresh from the dancefloor, whilst kneeling in two inches of piss, nostrils filled with the stench of faeces, just what kind of depraved lunatic would subject themselves to this? Not one you would want to trust with the safety of your unmentionables, mere millimetres away from their crack pipe sharpened teeth. It is hard for your senses to disconnect from each other, so the whole experience leaves you with the taste of shit in your mouth, which probably isn’t too far from the truth.
Reason #4: Dollah
Paying £10 to get in, £5 pound per drink, the obligatory £2 tip to the unwanted toilet attendant, it is easy to quickly run up a tab. So when you think about it, wouldn’t it have been better to just hire a prostitute? At least she’d let you do that weird thing with the aubergine, feather duster and David Hasslehoff poster.
Reason #5: The Inhabitants
There is no quality control, I mean yes some clubs operate with a dress code, and some may have an unwritten ‘hotty or notty’ policy. But no club has managed to properly introduce a means of weening out the fucking psycho’s. The problem inherently is, that most single people are single for a reason, either because no one wants them, or because they don’t want anyone. Now your ‘don’t want anyones’ are normally a fairly safe bet, they’ve got their shit together, know what they want from life and go about doing it. Your ‘not wanteds’ however are an obviously different story and are the exact kind of retard you are most likely to find in these sticky floored cesspits.
So next time you’re in a club straining to hear what your friend is failing to scream in your uninterested ear, reply with something a little smarter than “Yeah man this song is my jam!!”.
Example: “Dude! This unibrowed Latvian girl wants to rub vaginal secretion on my face in the toilets”
“Cool man, have fun with that, I’m going to the library/police station/my nans house to pick up something a little more classy.”
Now you know the worst possible place you can go to attempt to have a one night stand, you should only ever find yourself having the best possible one night stands. The kind that leaves you feeling rejuvenated, ravished and radical, not sore, soiled and sheepish.
Words by Matt Miles