Here at Yack we like to think we’re intellectually superior to the rest of the humdrum offerings filling the internet with disinformation, so whilst Courtney Love’s highly scientific and well sourced theory on the location of the downed flight should not be entirely discredited, we have set our own intrepid newshounds on the hunt for the truth. Here are the findings.
If you have never heard of the Bermuda Triangle (or the Devil’s Triangle as we affectionately know it) it is a 500,000 square mile area engulfing the Bahamas, starting from the ass end of Miami and stretching over to Puerto Rico, generally just being a dick and inhabiting like a sizable chunk of the Atlantic Ocean. Mysteries and strange occurrences in this region are plentiful, don’t take our word for it, read this eyewitness account from a man who once saw a cloud there. As if clouds weren’t bad enough the area is most infamous for the spree of boats, planes, people and dolphins that apparently have just vanished from existence after entering its X-files like clutch.
As any of you plugged in to any sort of news feed reporting on the changing face of the Earth in recent times you will no doubt be aware, freak apocalyptic weather and tectonic shifts are now pretty much an everyday occurrence, so we are hoping that will make this chilling and terrifying pill just a bit easier to swallow (if you have been smoking weed every day in an effort to hide from ‘the man’ that will help too). The Bermuda Triangle has moved! Yes you heard us right, the constant earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, gales and tsunamis have shifted the paranormal hotspot from the Atlantic to the Indian Ocean. This phenomenal event did not happen overnight of course, that would be ridiculous, but every natural disaster in the past 10 years has slowly brought the Triangle ever closer to its new home in the Indian Ocean. But that is not even the end of the findings, this shift is on-going and this disastrous disaster spree is paving the way for the perfect disaster!
Whilst the tragic loss of flight MH370 is obviously the most recent and pressing concern, do not let that blind you to the inevitable and awful truth unveiling itself to those with open minds. The Bermuda Triangle is still moving, and it is headed straight for Australia. We have crunched the numbers several times over and this fate is unavoidable. We cannot be absolutely certain as to what will happen when the Triangle finally arrives down under, it could en-vanish the entire country in the blink of an eye, or it could transform the land into the Mad Max post-apocalyptic landscape it clearly yearns to be. Our personal favourite theory, backed by heaping stacks of evidence of course, is that it will in fact mutate the already pretty zany wildlife of the outback into hell beasts, that will then proceed to fly out from Australia sound tracked by the mad cackles of a twisted mutant Aboriginal shaman and usher in a new age of darkness and terror across the globe. Nowhere is safe, but if you don’t feel like being enslaved by a raping, pillaging, Viking like race of Australian hell spawn, feel free to send your donations in to Yack Magazine, we will like do something to stop it or whatever.
We went into the future and took a picture of one of these critters, be afraid.
So to conclude, the Earth is going to end, not today, but very soon. This news whilst obviously horrifying is old and boring, we hope the new manner of its delivery we have helped to unearth in some way dulls the pain for you. This is Yack, signing out to go and wallaby proof our panic room.
Words by Matt Miles